Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Motherwoman]

Absolutely priceless!!!

[Stonecoloured]

After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up
his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice,
enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came and John worried if he
would be able to complete the test with the same
proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the
students completed their exam in two hours. John, on
the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the
next morning when the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to
see a score of 150% for his exam.

John spoke to his professor after class. "I never
dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me,
how did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly
disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for
perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an
additional 50% for having done all of it through the
muffler."

[Primrose]

Somebody rumoured the comedian Al Murray is standing against Nigel Farage in Thanet at the General Election

If you don't know who to vote for here is his election broadcast which is a little different from the usual ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tADgYkAfXro

[Beryl]

A good wine.

[JohnN]

Just had my water bill of £275 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam say they can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month:
time to change supplier I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be a Pharaoh Rocher...

[Shallot Man]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen - won't open”
Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really f****d now."

Sorry for the French

[Shallot Man]

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a
mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long..

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black
bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to
tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



(you are going to love this.....)





"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[Beryl]

I read in the local rag that Bunnings were having a sale on Council Recliners.
>
> I got curious about this item, never heard of a 'Council Recliner', so I went to Bunnings to find out what these things were ...


> Guess what? I've had one in the shed for years!
> Just hadn't figured out how to use it properly ...

[Primrose]

How to wash a cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and
close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through
the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog.

[Beryl]

Possibly the best thing I've seen recently

Worth watching to the finish. He obviously enjoys his job.
Beryl.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10 ... =2&theater

[Primrose]

The Drug Squad officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with
an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.
The Drug Squad officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I f*****g wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the Drug Squad officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge........ show him your F*****g BADGE!!"

[Primrose]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is
and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[peter]

Perspectives differ!

[old codger]

What four men does a woman like best in her life?

A doctor, a dentist, a wallpaper hanger and a bank clerk.

Do you know why?

A doctor says strip, a dentist says open wide, a wall paper hanger says how do you like it now it's up and a bank clerk says don't take it out or you will lose interest.

[Shallot Man]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!



Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine

from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'


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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.


----------------------------------------------------------------------


Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.


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