How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
And that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you
And when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
Passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'
Of course the rest is history............!!!!
Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
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Westi
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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Russia . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from IRELAND . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Russia . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from IRELAND . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Westi
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peter
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An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf, so he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to inquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
Completely true...but I thought it was funny.
My cousin, Paddy, lives at the end of a mile long road, which has more than it's fair share of pot holes and terminates in his farm yard.
A while ago when I was visiting him, a lovely new, Dublin registered, BMW convertible, driven by a young whiz kid accompanied by a beautiful blond arrived in his yard.
"Which way to Clonakilty" said the driver.
"Go back to the end of the road, turn left and then first left again" I said.
"Why don't you get a Cul de Sac sign put up at the entrance to this damn road"? said the young man.
"Good God no" says Paddy.....
"If we did that we'd never see anybody".
The girlfriend thought it was funny but he drove off in a rage.
Regards, Gerry.
My cousin, Paddy, lives at the end of a mile long road, which has more than it's fair share of pot holes and terminates in his farm yard.
A while ago when I was visiting him, a lovely new, Dublin registered, BMW convertible, driven by a young whiz kid accompanied by a beautiful blond arrived in his yard.
"Which way to Clonakilty" said the driver.
"Go back to the end of the road, turn left and then first left again" I said.
"Why don't you get a Cul de Sac sign put up at the entrance to this damn road"? said the young man.
"Good God no" says Paddy.....
"If we did that we'd never see anybody".
The girlfriend thought it was funny but he drove off in a rage.
Regards, Gerry.
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Shallot Man
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- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house the family presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 18-year old single malt Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a mug of steaming hot tea, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house the family presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 18-year old single malt Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a mug of steaming hot tea, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
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JohnN
- KG Regular
- Posts: 636
- Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 5:45 pm
- Location: Hookwood, near Gatwick
- Been thanked: 2 times
Following Gery’s lovely Irish story, this one is also true and happened to a well-known angling journalist, Bernard Venables, when he was driving across Ireland.
Doing about 80 on a long, straight road, in his new Humber Snipe, Bernard was horrified when a tractor and cart suddenly pulled out from a gateway directly in front of him. He had only one option, swung the wheel and went straight through the hedge and ended up in the field on the spot where the tractor had pulled out from.
Seething with rage he stormed out onto the road, only to hear the tractor driver say to his mate ‘It’s a good job we pulled out when we did or he’s surely have hit us”
Doing about 80 on a long, straight road, in his new Humber Snipe, Bernard was horrified when a tractor and cart suddenly pulled out from a gateway directly in front of him. He had only one option, swung the wheel and went straight through the hedge and ended up in the field on the spot where the tractor had pulled out from.
Seething with rage he stormed out onto the road, only to hear the tractor driver say to his mate ‘It’s a good job we pulled out when we did or he’s surely have hit us”
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peter
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- Contact:
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the lady stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, women tend to like this joke........
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the lady stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, women tend to like this joke........
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
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Shallot Man
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- Posts: 2668
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- Location: Basildon. Essex
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>GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
>
>Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave
your message after you hear the beep.
>
>If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from
1 to 5
>in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.
>
>If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
>If you want to borrow the car, press 3
>If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
>If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
>If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
>If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to
your home, press 7
>If you want to come to eat here, press 8
>If you need money, press 9
>If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the
theatre, start talking .... we are listening .
>
>WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
>(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
>
>
>Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their
own. They like other people's.
>
>A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady.
>
>Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
see them…..They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good
if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
>
>When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.
>
>They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also
why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
>
>They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
>
>Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
>
>They wear glasses and funny underwear.
>
>They can take their teeth and gums out.
>
>Grandparents don't have to be smart.
>
>They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How
come dogs chase cats?'
>
>When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
the same story over again.
>
>Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend
time with us.
>
>They know we should have a snack before bed time, and they say prayers
with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
>
>GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH. HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I
DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM.
>
>It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.
>
>Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave
your message after you hear the beep.
>
>If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from
1 to 5
>in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.
>
>If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
>If you want to borrow the car, press 3
>If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
>If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
>If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
>If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to
your home, press 7
>If you want to come to eat here, press 8
>If you need money, press 9
>If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the
theatre, start talking .... we are listening .
>
>WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
>(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
>
>
>Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their
own. They like other people's.
>
>A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a lady.
>
>Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
see them…..They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good
if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
>
>When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.
>
>They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also
why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
>
>They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
>
>Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
>
>They wear glasses and funny underwear.
>
>They can take their teeth and gums out.
>
>Grandparents don't have to be smart.
>
>They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How
come dogs chase cats?'
>
>When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for
the same story over again.
>
>Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't
have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend
time with us.
>
>They know we should have a snack before bed time, and they say prayers
with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
>
>GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH. HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I
DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM.
>
>It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame
their dog.
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Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
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Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'
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Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
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Ahhhhh the wisdom of the ages.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****** brick wall."
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****** brick wall."
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Primrose
- KG Regular
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- Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
- Location: Bucks.
- Has thanked: 47 times
- Been thanked: 324 times
Oh dear - didn't take long for this topic to get in on the act !!!
I popped into Tesco’s cafe for lunch yesterday. The waitress asked me if I wanted anything on my burger. I replied; “Just a fiver each way please.”
A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horsemeatburgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
I get all my horsemeat from an independent dodgy butcher.
Are you in favour of Horsemeat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?
So horsemeat has been found in Tesco Products but a spokesman says It's bollocks.
I had a Tesco burger and now I'm feeling a little horse.
Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.
Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"
There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she'd been to Tesco, of course.
Good thing about these horse puns is it's stopped all the sick Jimmy Saddle jokes.
On reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar.
Had a burger last night from Tesco's - gave me the trots .. Boom Boom
Bought some value hamburgers from Tesco last night, put them in the fridge, and” They're off”....
Despite the recent news, Tesco's say that their beef burger sales remain stable.
Also saw that their share price has been hurt this morning, but it won't be fur-long.
Really bad one...
I really hope they launch a steward's inquiry into the Tesco horse meat scandal. We must find out hoof to blame.
I popped into Tesco’s cafe for lunch yesterday. The waitress asked me if I wanted anything on my burger. I replied; “Just a fiver each way please.”
A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horsemeatburgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
I get all my horsemeat from an independent dodgy butcher.
Are you in favour of Horsemeat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?
So horsemeat has been found in Tesco Products but a spokesman says It's bollocks.
I had a Tesco burger and now I'm feeling a little horse.
Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.
Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?"
There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she'd been to Tesco, of course.
Good thing about these horse puns is it's stopped all the sick Jimmy Saddle jokes.
On reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar.
Had a burger last night from Tesco's - gave me the trots .. Boom Boom
Bought some value hamburgers from Tesco last night, put them in the fridge, and” They're off”....
Despite the recent news, Tesco's say that their beef burger sales remain stable.
Also saw that their share price has been hurt this morning, but it won't be fur-long.
Really bad one...
I really hope they launch a steward's inquiry into the Tesco horse meat scandal. We must find out hoof to blame.
Tesco burger were the best 
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Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
.
SCHOOL REGISTER.
Register being read on the first day back at a school in Birmingham.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
“Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?” “Here”
“Achmed El Kabul?” “Here”
“Fatima Al Hayek? ” “Here”
“Ali Abdul Olmi?” “Here”
“Mohammed Bin Kadir?” “Here”
“Ali Son al En” – silence in the classroom.
“Ali Son al En” – continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call.
A girl stood up and said, “Sorry teacher. I think that’s me. It’s pronounced Alison Allen.
SCHOOL REGISTER.
Register being read on the first day back at a school in Birmingham.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
“Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?” “Here”
“Achmed El Kabul?” “Here”
“Fatima Al Hayek? ” “Here”
“Ali Abdul Olmi?” “Here”
“Mohammed Bin Kadir?” “Here”
“Ali Son al En” – silence in the classroom.
“Ali Son al En” – continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call.
A girl stood up and said, “Sorry teacher. I think that’s me. It’s pronounced Alison Allen.
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donedigging
- KG Regular
- Posts: 963
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:13 pm
- Location: Bristol
Sorry, but I found this funny 
@50ShedsofGrey: I inserted my finger, wiggled it around then removed it. She moaned as I entered, 'When are you going to get a new key for that shed door?'
donedigging