Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[snooky]

In church I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you.


Dear Lord,

This has been a tough two or three years.

You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.

My favourite musician Michael Jackson.

My favourite salesman Billy Mays.

My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor.

And now my favourite singer Whitney Houston.

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

[Monika]

Shallot Man and Snooky,

Just passing on a big thank you from the "grumpy old men" in our village pub for your latest jokes. I printed them off and they were read out in the pub last night. Apparently (wasn't there myself - grumpy old women aren't normally allowed to join!), the funnies about the oldies were particularly appreciated, with feeling and sympathy!!

[Geoff]

Silly offer in an email today.

Men's Leather Shoes - Buy 1 get 1 free

[Geoff]

For donedigging!

The missus bought a paperback
down Smiths the other day.
I had a look when she got back
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope,
and in her right a whip!
She threw them to the floor
and then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago,
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn't weathered well,
she's eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind,
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse,
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back up to her feet,
A couple of minutes later.
She put her teeth back in and
said - I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like,
Bent forward just a bit.
I thought, what the hell, stepped up
and stood on her left tit

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My God what had I done?
She moaned and groaned and shouted out
"Step on the other one!"

Well readers, I can't tell no more,
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned "Fifty Shades of Grey"

[Chantal]

Brilliant!

[Bren]

Geoff thank you for a good laugh

Bren

[Beryl]

Best chuckle Ive had in ages.

Beryl.

[Shallot Man]

Geoff. Any more.

[alan refail]

Personally I can't see what all the fuss is about

[Shallot Man]

The Lone Ranger:


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'



'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'




'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

[donedigging]

Geoff, that was brilliant, I'm still laughing

[Geoff]

When I first heard about it I thought it was a book about the weather.

[alan refail]

[peter]

Why does Santa have three gardens?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because he wants to hoe, hoe, hoe.

[Beryl]

No much chance of that right now Peter. A rowing boat might be more the order of the day.

Beryl.