Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Shallot Man]

The Woman Marine Pilot...

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realised, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."



''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been drinking."

[peter]

Two 90 year old men, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day. One day Dai says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Emrys looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Emrys passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Dai is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Dai--Dai.'

'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'

'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'

'Emrys! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.

The good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'


'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

[Shallot Man]

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said.
'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean,
Me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you
that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps,
and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[Shallot Man]

T H E Jewish E L B O W



A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow , push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........


"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"

[snooky]

CHURCH SQUIRRELS
I don't care who you are, this is funny!
There were five houses of religion in a small town:The Presbyterian Church,The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely,
love truly and forgive quickly.

[alan refail]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

[Gerry]

The Jewish elbow reminded me.

Hymie closed up shop early and went home to take Sophie out for a meal to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary.

At home Sophie led him to the garage and presented him with a brand new Jaguar car. "How can you afford to buy that?" he said, "I don't give you that much housekeeping".

"Well" said Sophie, "You know that since we were married, every time you wanted to make love I made you pay me £5. I saved them all up and that's how I bought the car".

"Oh Sophie, Sophie. Why didn't you tell me".


"I'D HAVE GIVEN YOU ALL OF MY BUSINESS".

[alan refail]

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

[donedigging]

Sorry, I know it's lame but it makes me chuckle.....

When does a car stop being a car?

When it turns into a garage!!

I did say sorry

[alan refail]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

[Colin_M]

Hi All,

with apologies to the natural blonds amongst you, I thought this was quite a good one.


A blond arrived at the Golden Gates and on meeting St Peter asked to enter Heaven. St Peter said; "Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.."

"That's cool" said the Blonde, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Just three questions" said St Peter.

"Which are?" asked the Blonde.

St Peter said "The first is which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is how many seconds are there in a year? The third is what was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now," said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."


So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, "I have."

"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"

The Blonde said, "Today and Tomorrow."

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.


"Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, "How many seconds in a year?"

The Blonde replied, "Twelve!" "Only twelve?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure?"

"Easy," said the Blonde, "there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.


A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. "I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
The blonde replied: "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."

"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer?"

"It's Andy." "Andy??", said St Peter. "Yes, Andy," said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked "How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"

"Easy" said the Blonde, "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled."

And the Blonde entered Heaven...


... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
**********************************************************************

[Shallot Man]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations



I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.




I was at my bank today; there was a short queue. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[Shallot Man]

>>> There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
>>> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
>>>
>>> Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
>>> Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
>>> Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
>>> Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
>>> Operator: 'Went away?'
>>> Caller: 'They disappeared.'
>>> Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
>>> Caller: 'Nothing.'
>>> Operator: 'Nothing??'
>>> Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
>>> Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
>>> Caller: 'How do I tell?'
>>> Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
>>> Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
>>> Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
>>> Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
>>> Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
>>> Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
>>> Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
>>> Caller: 'I don't know.'
>>> Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
>>> Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
>>> Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
>>> Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
>>> Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
>>> Caller: 'No.'
>>> Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
>>> Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
>>> Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
>>> Caller: 'I can't reach.'
>>> Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
>>> Caller: 'No.'
>>> Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
>>> Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
>>> Operator: 'Dark??'
>>> Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
>>> ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
>>> Caller: 'I can't.'
>>> Operator: 'No? Why not??'
>>> Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
>>> Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
>>> Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
>>> Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
>>> Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
>>> Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
>>> Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
>>> Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
>>> Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[alan refail]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

[Shallot Man]

>>
>>> Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
>>> Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
>>> Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
>>> Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
>>> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Samsung Electronics
>>> Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
>>> Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
>>> Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
>>> Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> RAC Motoring Services
>>> Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
>>> Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
>>> 'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Directory Enquiries
>>> Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
>>> Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
>>> Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
>>> Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
>>> Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
>>> 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
>>> Customer: 'OK'..
>>> Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
>>> Customer: 'No'.
>>> Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
>>> Customer: 'No'.
>>> Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
>>> Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
>>> Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>> Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'