Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

A place to chat about anything you like, including non-gardening related subjects. Just keep it clean, please!

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Shallot Man
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Thu May 18, 2017 2:42 pm

Contributors. Please keep up the good work.
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peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Thu May 18, 2017 8:33 pm

Got an unsolicited email at work today offering to reduce my company's business rates, to me by name and company name.


I work for a London Borough :lol:
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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Thu May 18, 2017 9:43 pm

The Sentimental Brother

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
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WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
Oakridge
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Oakridge » Fri May 19, 2017 8:10 pm

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,” he said to the local police officer.
“What do you want me to do?” asked the policeman.
“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, “You’ve still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster!”
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, “Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?”
In order to get Farmer Jack off his back said “Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers ... did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he’d better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down ... So he drove out to Farmer Jack’s house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
‘NUDIST COLONY’ - ‘Slow down and watch for chicks!
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Pawty
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Pawty » Sat May 20, 2017 7:07 am

Made me smile!

(As a side.... Oakridge - I clicked on your flicker link - beautiful pictures and looks like you have a lovely place to grow)

Pawty
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tigerburnie
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby tigerburnie » Sat May 20, 2017 10:58 am

I just had a look too, I'd like more ground too, but that looks like a lot more hard work than I wish to be doing these days.
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Oakridge
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Oakridge » Sun May 21, 2017 5:42 pm

Thank you Tigerburnie and Pawty. The land is a 1.25 acre remnant of the 15 acre agricultural tenancy we had when we had livestock. You will see from brambles, nettles and bracken that it is not all easy going. I learnt about growing stuff from my Grandad in the late 40s/50s and latterly I have been inspired by Charles Dowding. I have not been bitten by the organic bug though.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Oakridge » Sun May 21, 2017 5:45 pm

It’s just dawned on me...
Our dog, Hugo, sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep...
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever...
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...
OMG! I think my dog is a member of Parliament/ House of Representatives!
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tigerburnie
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby tigerburnie » Sun May 21, 2017 7:22 pm

I garden in an organic manner, try not to use anything harmful , there is sometimes a price to pay, but now I'm retired I can put in the hours to make it easier. Have some mildew on my guzzgog, just hope the dry week ahead sorts it out.
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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun May 21, 2017 9:56 pm

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!) Is that why they are always squealing?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the..?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

(God love that pig!)
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Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
Oakridge
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Oakridge » Mon May 22, 2017 8:34 am

"If voting made a difference, they wouldn't let us do it." Mark Twain
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Primrose
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Primrose » Thu Jun 08, 2017 8:13 am

GREAT TRUTHS


1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame,
Two is a law firm,
And three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper
You are uninformed,
If you do read the newspaper
You are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were
A member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try
To tax itself into prosperity is like a
Man standing in a bucket and
Trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a
Great debt to his fellow man,
Which debt he proposes
To pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Giving money and power to
Government is like giving whiskey
And car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. Government's view of the
Economy could be summed up
In a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)

9. I don't make jokes.
I just watch the government
And report the facts.
-- Will Rogers

10. If you think health care is
Expensive now, wait until you
See what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke

11. No man's life, liberty, or
Property is safe while the
Legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)

12. Talk is cheap, except when
Congress does it. -- Anonymous

13. The inherent vice of capitalism is
The unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism
Is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

14. The only difference between a
Tax man and a taxidermist is that
The taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

15. There is no distinctly
Native American criminal class,
Save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

16. What this country needs are
More unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)

17. A government big enough
To give you everything you want,
Is strong enough to take
Everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson
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Monika
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Monika » Tue Jun 13, 2017 9:08 am

Knowing that she had only a few days to live, the wife called her husband to her bedside.
‘Na then, Joe,’ she instructed, ‘tha must give mi bit o’ silver to our Jane and mi mother’s ring to Sarah and mi gold watch to our Annie.’
Joe nodded as she continued.
‘And I doan’t want thee to mourn for me, Joe. Tha must get thesen another wife - but doan’t let her wear mi clothes.’
‘There’s no need to worry about that, lass,’ Joe replied, ‘She’s tried ‘em on and they don’t fit.’
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Primrose
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Primrose » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:08 am

After a frustrating phone call with an overseas call centre, I really identified with this one !

Some people just don't understand plain English! ...What could possibly go wrong?
Click here: http://dotsub.com/view/6c5d7514-5656-47 ... dd4e2f6509
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PLUMPUDDING
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby PLUMPUDDING » Thu Jun 22, 2017 3:23 pm

Hillarious
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