Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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Shallot Man
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Wed Feb 03, 2010 9:47 am

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Mike Vogel
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Mike Vogel » Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:36 pm

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who had died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 6, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!
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Monika
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Monika » Wed Feb 03, 2010 7:05 pm

A Yorkshire farmer goes to the local newspaper offices to place a note about his wife's death in the next issue. "Barraclough, Norma, died peacefully at home on 2 February 2010 . Much missed by her loving husband."
The lady at the desk counts the words and says, "You can have another four words for the same price, you know".
Mr Barraclough thinks for a while and then says, "All right, I'll have 'Also tractor for sale'.
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tiamaria1
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby tiamaria1 » Thu Feb 04, 2010 9:53 am

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.


The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'


'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.


The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee..


The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?



The bee answered,





Wait for it.wait for it..



You're just gonna love this..
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image00454.gif (9.21 KiB) Viewed 2222 times
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image00515.gif (36.09 KiB) Viewed 2223 times
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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Thu Feb 04, 2010 8:49 pm

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
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Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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richard p
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby richard p » Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:58 am

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Shallot Man
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Fri Feb 05, 2010 10:15 am

snooky. Superb.
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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun Feb 07, 2010 5:52 pm

The Anti-British Sign ?


SIGN IN A SHOP WINDOW

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!'

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Glamorgan, South Wales .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, you may say.

'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'


Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!

God Bless The Welsh
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Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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JohnN
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby JohnN » Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:36 am

Getting Married
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
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alan refail
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Mon Feb 08, 2010 2:37 pm

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a fiver.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
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Elle's Garden
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Elle's Garden » Mon Feb 08, 2010 3:43 pm

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the
French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his
passport in his carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before,
monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France
previously. 'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport
ready,' the customs officer said.

The elderly gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have
to show it.'

'Impossible! The British always have to show their
passports on arrival in France !'

The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly said:

"Well, when I last came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in
1944, I couldn't find any f****** Frenchmen to show it to".
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Elle
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Elle's Garden
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Elle's Garden » Mon Feb 08, 2010 3:43 pm

There were two Italian men chatting on a bus and sitting in front of them was a little old lady...
She ignored them at first but her attention is galvernised when she hears one of them say....

"Emma come first, den i come den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses they come together again, i come again and pee twice, then i come one lasta time."


The old lady cant take this anymore "You foul mouthed sex obsessed pig" She retorted indignantly. "In my country we dont speak aloud in publicplaces about our sex lives"

"Hey cool-a-down lady" said the man " Who talking about a sex ?"
" I'm a just a telling my friend how to spella Mississippi"
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Kind regards,

Elle
Mike Vogel
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Mike Vogel » Mon Feb 08, 2010 11:03 pm

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry, she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied...

"Your horse called."
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Essexboy
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Essexboy » Tue Feb 09, 2010 12:36 pm

How do Mexicans keep warm in the winter?

They use chicken fajitas!!
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John
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby John » Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:01 pm

How do you convert your dishwasher into a snow plough?

Give her a shovel.
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