Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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Shallot Man
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:09 pm

Sorry, too offensive

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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:35 pm

edited 21.1.10

Offensive post above now removed - thank you.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Colin_M » Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:46 pm

Has anyone got any more?

This thread has kept me going through January.......
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:52 pm

Oh, balls

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again and orders the specialty of the day. Again he is brought two very big balls on a plate. It tastes even better than the day before. On the third and the fourth days he gets the same, but on the fifth day they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks: "What gives?" The waiter says: "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win."
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby oldherbaceous » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:11 pm

With all this modern day father-hood business, and dads having to get up at night to see to babies, i'm sure glad i left having any until i was 80, i was having to get up 6 times a night anyway. :wink:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:29 pm

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Smith advised her 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the
little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'


He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock...' :twisted:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:34 pm

There was a daddy balloon, a mummy balloon and a baby balloon - and mummy and daddy were getting fed up because baby balloon insisted on sleeping in their bed.
One night, Daddy Balloon said, 'You're getting too big to sleep with Mummy and Daddy. It's about time you slept in your own bed.'
So that night they tucked baby balloon up in his own bed, saying 'Don't forget..Santa's coming soon and he won't come unless you stay in your own bed.'
All went well until baby balloon woke in the middle of the night. Frightened of the dark, he decided to get back in mummy and daddy's bed but he found there wasn't enough room. Carefully, he let a little air out of daddy balloon but still there wasn't room. So he tried mummy's side but couldn't fit in there either. Carefully, he let a little air out of mummy balloon but still he couldn't fit in.
Finally he let some air out of himself and squeezed down in between mummy and daddy balloon and fell asleep.
The following morning when everyone got up (considerably thinner than they had gone to bed) daddy balloon was furious. Shaking his head in disappointment he shouted.......








......'You let me down, you let your mother down..but most of all, you let yourself down!'
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:35 pm

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her Birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong...
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun Jan 31, 2010 6:12 pm

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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The Mouse
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby The Mouse » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:20 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Those are priceless, Snooky.

I'll add one of my own to the list: the leaflet in with my migraine tablets says that one of the possible side-effects is a headache, and apparently I should stop taking them if I get one!
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Geoff » Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:38 pm

Yesterday I was at my local Co-Op buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Monika » Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:28 pm

Probably an oldie, but here it goes:

A tramp knocks at the door of a smart house, looking for odd jobs. "Tell you what," says the owner, "take this can of red paint and paint the porch. You'll find it at the side of the house."

After an hour, the tramp knocks on the door again. "I finished the job," he says, handing back the can and gratefully accepting £20. "But you made a mistake - it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes."
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Chantal » Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:27 pm

The Saga of Hotel Soap (Dial is a type of soap)

The following letters were allegedly taken from an incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel is said to have submitted the letters to the London Sunday Times for their humor column.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,
- 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman
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oldherbaceous
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby oldherbaceous » Tue Feb 02, 2010 7:02 am

Dear Monika, i hadn't heard your joke before, and it had me in stitches.
I must admit i find the simple jokes some of the funniest, maybe that says something about me. :) :wink:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Tue Feb 02, 2010 9:33 am

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
> other for a longtime.
>
> Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
>
> Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversations
> regarding how their marriage might work.
>
> They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
>
> Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
> their physical relationship.
>
> 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
> 'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
>
> The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
> over towards her and whispered -
>
> 'Is that one word or two?'
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