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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:02 am
by Shallot Man
I have done it again, am now standing at the back of the class. :oops:

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:13 am
by alan refail
Shallot Man wrote:I have done it again, am now standing at the back of the class. :oops:


No. You're going back to edit your posts :roll: :roll:

By the way, how on earth do you manage to triple post :?: :?:

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:25 am
by Shallot Man
alan refail. I haven't, a clue, must be a gift on my part, I have a new one to post, but it keeps repeating its self. :oops:

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:29 am
by Shallot Man
Sound like someone you know? lol
>
>
>
>
> A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life; that is, until the ship sank.
>
> He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
>
> In disbelief, he asks,
> 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
> She replied,
> 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
>
> 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
> 'Oh,this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
> material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
>
> 'But, where did you get the tools?'
>
> 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the
> island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
>
> The guy is stunned.
>
> 'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
> After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
>
> While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
> 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
>
> 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
> 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
>
> Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
> 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'
>
> No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
> There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
>
> 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
>
> When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
>
> 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months.You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,something you've been longing for?'
> She stares into his eyes...
>
> He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...
>
> 'F ***king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jan 17, 2010 8:46 pm
by snooky
Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' DA fingers and I'll see what OI can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got DA fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got DA fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2007!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring DA fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How DA fock was I 'spose to pick them up????

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 6:33 pm
by Mike Vogel
On a similar theme:

Paddy was working on a building site. He was inspecting the line as an electric saw was cutting along a piece of wood; he got his head too close and the saw sliced off his ear.

Paddy yelled in pain and they all tried looking for his ear in the sawdust. Mick suddenly popped up holding a bloodstained ear.

"I've found yer ear, Paddy"
"Oi begorra, that's not my ear"
"HOw can it not be yer ear, Paddy?"
"Mine had a pencil behind it."

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 9:41 am
by peter
I am begining to wonder if it is the consumption of alcohol that may make you think you are posting one copy when you are posting actually posting three. :twisted:

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 3:57 pm
by Shallot Man
Dear Friends

As we start a new year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about cockroach eggs in the glue on envelopes that get into cuts in your tongue. I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open to avoid the rat crap deposits.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the £15,000,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs and the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £8,000,000 with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown Australian spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the £50 I found in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will crap on your head at 1700hrs tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Regards to you all

and a HAPPY NEW YEAR

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:02 pm
by Shallot Man
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to
> have her baby in the taxi'.
>
> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and
> began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I
> noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
>
> Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
>
>
> 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
> 'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
>
> 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
>
> Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
>
> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
> later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family
> that he had died of a
> *'massive internal fart.'
> *
> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
>
> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was
> having trouble with one of his medications.
> 'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
>
> 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
> I'm running out of places to put it!'
>
> I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
> the man had over fifty patches on his body!
> Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a
> new one.
>
> Submitted by Dr.. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General
>
> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long
> have you been bedridden?'
> After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty
> years - when my husband was still alive.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
>
> 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
> on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
>
> 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
> the taste.'. . Bob replied.
>
> I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY
> Jelly.'
>
> Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
>
> 7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair
> styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
> strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had
> acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
> When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
> that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
> that read . . .'Keep off the grass'
>
> Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
> patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
>
> Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
>
> Dr. wouldn't submit his name
>

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:08 pm
by Shallot Man
A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:
>
> 'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
>
> 'Do you know which ward she is in?'
>
> 'Yes, ward P, room 2B'
>
> 'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
>
> 'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'
>
> 'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'
>
> 'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'
>
> 'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'
>
> 'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'
>
> 'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here.

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:11 pm
by Shallot Man
I LOVE THE MESSAGE IN THIS.** **
>
> **SHOULD SEND IT TO ALL THE DO GOODERS & SENSITIVE PEOPLE WHO ARE AGAINST
> THE TREATMENT OF CAPTIVE INSURGENTS.** **
>
> **SEE HOW LONG THEIR GOOD INTENTIONS LAST IN THIS SITUATION.**
> *A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
> complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
> being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
>
> She received back the following reply:
>
> *National Defence Headquarters**
> MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
> 101 Colonel By Drive
> Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
> Canada*
>
>
> Dear Concerned Citizen,
>
> Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
> treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
> Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
> and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
> National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these
> matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in
> Ottawa .
>
> You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
> yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
> National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
> Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
>
> In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
> to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
> personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
> under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali
> Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
> for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
> complaint.
>
> It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
> caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
> standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
> recommend in your letter.
>
> Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
> sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
> help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
> describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
>
>
> We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
> Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
> and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
> nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
> skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide
> variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may
> wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might
> offend him.
>
> Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
> sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
> is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
> show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
> dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure
> you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.
> Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
> religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
>
> Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
> you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
> fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
>
>
> Good luck and God bless you.
>
> Cordially,
> Gordon O'Connor
>
> *Minister of National Defence**

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:05 pm
by Mike Vogel
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - I was going for a walk and my girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone. I told her "the whole time."
35- I was walking down the street when my prescription ran out on my eyeglasses. I couldn't see a thing.

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 5:51 pm
by alan refail
...and a few more from Steve Wright...........

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 7:40 pm
by Shallot Man
peter. I might tell you that I have A level in moronic studies on a computer :wink:

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 1:29 pm
by Colin_M
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.


I've also heard that 68% of all people are caused by accidents....