Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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oldherbaceous
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby oldherbaceous » Thu Jan 14, 2010 10:14 am

Dear Peter, we used to save the Butchers Broom for when we had important guests visiting. A bit like getting ones best crockery out, if you know what i mean. :)
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Mike Vogel » Thu Jan 14, 2010 2:21 pm

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "Do whatever you want."

Here I am.
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Arnie
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Arnie » Thu Jan 14, 2010 9:55 pm

This is fabulous, do read the Q&As at
the end!!





These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A :Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A : Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A : What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q : Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)

A: A-f-r-i-c-a is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Au-s-tra-l-i-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)

A : Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)

A : Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA)

A : Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)

A : You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)

A : No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A : Rattlesnakes live in A-m-e-r-i-c-a which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A : It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A : Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A : Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A : Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Fri Jan 15, 2010 2:33 pm

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short
skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances
at the clerk and
at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and
the location of
the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread
please," the man says.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread
located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath
her,
is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends
the ladder,
he decides that he had better get two loaves,as he is "having company
for dinner."
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin
bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"Atop the ladder one more time,
she
looks down and glares at the men standing below.Then, she notices an
elderly man
standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip,
she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's-a quiverin' a little!"
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Mike Vogel » Fri Jan 15, 2010 6:05 pm

How nations deal with terrorist threats
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Mike Vogel » Fri Jan 15, 2010 6:11 pm

brilliant, Shallot Man. This one will do the rounds.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Fri Jan 15, 2010 6:23 pm

Mike Vogel. My pleasure, but it's down to Peter for showing me how to forward it to this website. :wink: :wink: shallotman
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Fri Jan 15, 2010 8:25 pm

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking..

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle..

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in them, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore
Last edited by peter on Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: De-duplication.
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Shallot Man
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Fri Jan 15, 2010 8:27 pm

oop's gone on auto pilot again. :oops: :oops: :oops:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Gerry » Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:45 pm

You can say that again. :D

you can say that again. :D

you can say that again. :D
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Geoff » Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:06 pm

You'll have to learn how to use the Edit button!
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Sat Jan 16, 2010 10:39 am

Geoff. Is that my next lesson on this site ?
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Sat Jan 16, 2010 11:33 am

Shallot Man wrote:Geoff. Is that my next lesson on this site ?


An easy lesson at that :wink:

Just go to the top of your post, click the edit button top right, delete what you want to get rid of and click Submit. Bingo!
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Mike Vogel » Sat Jan 16, 2010 12:42 pm

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she slept in. I walked in barely awake. She turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up. I thought, 'I am either still dreaming, or this is going to be a great day.'
>
I embraced her and gave her my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
>
She replied, 'The egg timer's broken.'
>
>
> Women are so mean.
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Shallot Man
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Sun Jan 17, 2010 11:00 am

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
> I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
> about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
> and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
> of work and their dreams would be shattered.
> Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
>
>
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
> happened to your bra and panties.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
> wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
> going to feel all day. "
> ~Frank Sinatra
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> ~ Henny Youngman
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WIT H you.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
> ~ Stephen Wright
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
> we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
> When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
> get drunk and go to heaven!"
> ~ Brian O'Rourke
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> ~ Benjamin Franklin
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> "Without question, the greatest invention in the
> history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
> wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
> not go nearly as well with pizza."
> ~ Dave Barry
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
> ~Dave H owell
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
> One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
>
> " Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
>
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Last edited by peter on Tue Jan 19, 2010 9:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: De-triplicating it.
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