Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

A place to chat about anything you like, including non-gardening related subjects. Just keep it clean, please!

Moderators: Chantal, Tigger, KG Steve, peter, Chief Spud

User avatar
Shallot Man
KG Regular
Posts: 2164
Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
Location: Basildon. Essex
x 242

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:38 am

Being a 76 yr old computer moron, how does one forward funnies direct to this page, very very simply please. shallotman
0 x
User avatar
Arnie
KG Regular
Posts: 728
Joined: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:34 pm
Location: Liverpool Merseyside
x 4

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Arnie » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:14 am

Hi All :lol: :lol: :roll:

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.




Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.




He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"




He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.




Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."




George said, "Okay."




He hung up the phone and counted to 30.




Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.




One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"




Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




(True Story) I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D

Regards

Kevin :wink:
1 x
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
User avatar
Arnie
KG Regular
Posts: 728
Joined: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:34 pm
Location: Liverpool Merseyside
x 4

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Arnie » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:24 am

Enjoy ladies :lol:

MEN!?!
One day my housework-challenged
husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the
washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied..
'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' DENVER BRONCOS! '
And they say
blondes are dumb....
----------------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying
in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world..'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you........
----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
'honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------------------------------------
Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be
men.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy..
---------------------------------------------
Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they
are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
-------------------------------------------
Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-------------------------------------------------

Regards

Kevin :shock: :lol: :roll: :roll:
0 x
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
User avatar
Arnie
KG Regular
Posts: 728
Joined: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:34 pm
Location: Liverpool Merseyside
x 4

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Arnie » Tue Jan 12, 2010 10:29 am

A blonde gets a job as a teacher
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun.


She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

"Because I'm the f*****g goal keeper"

Regards


Kevin :roll: :shock: :evil: :lol: :wink:
0 x
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
User avatar
Shallot Man
KG Regular
Posts: 2164
Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
Location: Basildon. Essex
x 242

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:14 pm

Only an Australian


An Aussie bloke walks into a Sydney curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The fella gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'Shit no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Pom and an Indian spin bowler.
Last edited by peter on Tue Jan 12, 2010 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Removed duplicate copies of the joke.
0 x
User avatar
Shallot Man
KG Regular
Posts: 2164
Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
Location: Basildon. Essex
x 242

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:15 pm

Re only an Australian. Thanks to Peter for shewing me how to do it.
0 x
User avatar
Shallot Man
KG Regular
Posts: 2164
Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
Location: Basildon. Essex
x 242

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:17 pm

Re Only an Australian, with practice I will get it down to printing it only once.
0 x
User avatar
Geoff
KG Regular
Posts: 4773
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2005 5:33 pm
Location: Forest of Bowland
x 578

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Geoff » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:17 pm

Shallot Man : The easiest way is to open the source, hold down shift and wipe the mouse over the text you want so it is highlighted, hold down Ctrl and press c to copy it to the clipboard. Go to the forum and start a reply then do Ctrl with v to paste it in. You can then edit or format it like any other text before you submit it.

Here's a bit I did earlier:

Being a 76 yr old computer moron, how does one forward funnies direct to this page, very very simply please. shallotman
0 x
User avatar
Geoff
KG Regular
Posts: 4773
Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2005 5:33 pm
Location: Forest of Bowland
x 578

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Geoff » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:18 pm

I suppose I should have taken some notice when it said somebody was posting at the same time!
0 x
User avatar
alan refail
KG Regular
Posts: 7135
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
x 445

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Tue Jan 12, 2010 2:28 pm

Sven Goran Erikson was taking part in 'Millionaire'. He was up to the last, million pound question, and Chris Tarrant put to him, "This is your last question for a million pounds, you have one lifeline, phone a friend, here we go". "What is the only bird in the world that doesn't build its own nest?.
Sven thinks a second, then says, "I'm not sure, I should phone a friend". "Who would you like to phone?" asked Chris. "Becks", said Sven. "OK" said Chris, "Let's get him in Spain. Becks answers the phone, and the Chris says, "I have your boss here, ready to win a million, and you need to answer his question. "OK", says David.
Sven says, "David, what's the only bird in the world that doesn't build it's own nest?". "Thats easy" says David. "It's a cuckoo".
"OK" says Sven, "I'll go with that".
Chris says, "Your answer is right, you win a million pounds!!!"
Sven decides to fly to Spain to thank his saviour, and he goes to Becks' house, knocks, and is let in. "How did you know it was a cuckoo?", asks Sven. "It's easy", says David, "Everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks"
0 x
Mike Vogel
KG Regular
Posts: 865
Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2006 10:31 pm
Location: Bedford

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Mike Vogel » Wed Jan 13, 2010 11:33 am

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'
0 x
Please support Wallace Cancer Care
http://www.wallacecancercare.org.uk
and see
http://www.justgiving.com/mikevogel


Never throw anything away.
User avatar
JohnN
KG Regular
Posts: 604
Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 5:45 pm
Location: Hookwood, near Gatwick
x 77

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby JohnN » Wed Jan 13, 2010 11:53 am

Two newly-married husbands met in the bar of their honeymoon hotel and as they were drinking and excitedly discussing their first night, they noticed through the window a couple of dogs going at it in the middle of the road. “Hey, I guess that’s what we’ll be enjoying later tonight, eh, shall we meet here tomorrow and see how we each got on?”. The other agreed and next evening they met up. “How was your night” asked one. “Pretty difficult, took me an hour to talk my wife into making love” replied the other. “Only an hour?”, exclaimed the other, “You were lucky, it took me 3 hours to get my wife in the middle of the road!”

Two sailors arrived in port after a long voyage and, desperate for female company, picked up a couple of girls and took them to a hotel. They agreed to keep score for the coming night, so after one sailor made love he marked a ‘1’ on the wall by the bed. Later on he did it again and then, just after dawn managed it once more and chalked up a third ‘1’. A little later his friend came into the room and stared at the wall. “Wow, he exclaimed, “111 – beat me by one!”
0 x
Gerry
KG Regular
Posts: 428
Joined: Fri Mar 17, 2006 11:55 pm
Location: West Cork,
x 50

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Gerry » Wed Jan 13, 2010 6:00 pm

oldherbaceous wrote:Dear Gerry, i think toilet brushes are one of those things you have to start using at a young age to get use to them.

We had to share one with next door.


And I suppose that was half a mile away OH.
0 x
User avatar
oldherbaceous
KG Regular
Posts: 12152
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:52 pm
Location: Beautiful Bedfordshire
x 749

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby oldherbaceous » Thu Jan 14, 2010 8:36 am

Indeed it was Gerry, and it was made out of Holly leaves. :wink:
0 x
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.

There's no fool like an old fool.
User avatar
peter
KG Regular
Posts: 5501
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:54 pm
Location: Near Stansted airport
x 382
Contact:

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Thu Jan 14, 2010 9:15 am

Surely OH you used the more traditional Butchers Broom (Ruscus aculeatus) with its smaller and sharper leaves? :?
0 x
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.

I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/

Return to “General chatter”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 21 guests