Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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sally wright
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby sally wright » Sun Jan 03, 2010 12:41 pm

Dear Mouse,
when they ask your age in the supermarket demand to see the manager and ask him to provide an assistant who is old enough to SELL the booze to you as you are quite convinced that the spotty youth hasn't even left school yet.
Regards Sally Wright.
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The Mouse
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby The Mouse » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:03 pm

sally wright wrote:Dear Mouse,
when they ask your age in the supermarket demand to see the manager and ask him to provide an assistant who is old enough to SELL the booze to you as you are quite convinced that the spotty youth hasn't even left school yet.
Regards Sally Wright.


Just one problem there, Sally - to me, half of the managers now look like they aren't old enough to have left school yet. :?

Oh my God; I really am getting old, aren't I? :(

Oh well, I've been practising the 'grumpy old woman' act for a long time now, so at least I'm well prepared. :evil:
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The Mouse
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby The Mouse » Sun Jan 03, 2010 1:14 pm

I've just been wondering - where did you all get those photos of me and the OH from? :wink: :roll: :lol:

I had an inkling what was to come only hours after we tied the knot, getting on for thirty years ago. My dad was driving us to the evening reception. My new husband held the car door open for me so I could get in the back. Then he climbed into the front passanger seat!

There are some things a wife never forgets! :twisted:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun Jan 03, 2010 6:47 pm

Birthday sex

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and said: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said: "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his friend said: "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling: "I'll be back in an hour!!"
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Arnie » Mon Jan 04, 2010 9:33 pm

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this).....





"Alan , for the FIFTH '@%&8in' time, CHICKEN!"

Regards :D :wink:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby johnsgirl » Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:41 pm

Kevin

Love it!!
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Stephen » Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:23 pm

Snappy Answer Number 1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a Man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer Number 2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?” He replied, "No, they're dead."
Snappy Answer Number 3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day, " the Policeman said.
The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way.
Without a ticket.
Snappy Answer Number 4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?"
The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."
…and finally Number 5, The Snappy Answer Of The Year!
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury o illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Elaine » Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:48 pm

Kevin...that is brilliant!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Stephen...snappy answer number 5 is just pure "class"!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers!
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alan refail
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Sun Jan 10, 2010 6:59 am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent."
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oldherbaceous
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby oldherbaceous » Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:43 am

Elementary, my dear Alan. :)
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Westi » Sun Jan 10, 2010 3:14 pm

This story happened a while ago in Australia and even though it sounds like something out of a Hitchcock film it is true.
John was a Sydney Uni student hitchhiking up the east coast. It was a stromy dark night and no cars were coming along. The storm got worse and he could hardly see a foot in front on him. Suddenly a car came slowly along and without thinking John jumped in. Just as he closed the door he noticed there was no driver!
The care started moving slowly then John saw a curve along a cliff approach. He started praying and begging for his life. Then just before it hit the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John was paralysised with terror watched numb while the hand repeatedly came through the window but never touched him.
Shortly after John spotted the lights from a pub coming up on the road. Gathering strength he leaped from the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath he rushed in and told the story of his terrifying encounter. A hush came over the pub as they realised he as crying and not drunk.
Suddenly two other people rushed into the pub aso out of breath and wet. Looking around they saw John sobbing at the bar. One then said to the other 'Look Bruce - there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it...!'
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alan refail
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Sun Jan 10, 2010 3:57 pm

A Welshman was shipwrecked at sea and marooned on a desert island.

When a passing vessel picked him up five years later the crew were amazed to find his little island covered in fine buildings that he had built himself.

With pride the Welsh Robinson Crusoe took the captain round the island and pointed out to him his house, workshop, electricity generator and two chapels.

"But what do you need the second chapel for?" asked the captain.

"Oh, that's the one I don't go to," he replied.

And another one....

Farmer Jones wanted to buy his neighbour's cow, but on enquiring the price he was shocked to learn it was £50.

"What", he protested, "here I am, your friend and neighbour, and you ask a price like that?"

"I'll tell you what", replied the other farmer, "seeing you are my neighbour I'll give you 20% discount."

Now Farmer Jones was not much of a scholar and he wasn't quite sure what this meant so he said "I'll think about it."

He went off down the road and was still trying to figure it out when he saw the local school-mistress coming towards him on her bicycle. He beckoned her to stop and said

"Now tell me, Miss Pugh, if I were to offer you £50, less 20% discount, what would you take off?"

Miss Pugh thought for a moment and then declared "Everything, except my ear-rings."
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Gerry » Mon Jan 11, 2010 5:20 pm

An old lady who has lived all her life on a remote farm with her two unmarried brothers was telling me, one day, that she had never been to Cork City and would love to go there to see all the big shops. She had heard that these shops didn't have counters. That would be a sight to behold.

So my wife and myself took her, a month ago.

She was amazed by the fact that you could actually touch the goods before you bought them (because in our local shop you couldn't get within a yard of them).You can feel how ripe the fruit is and even eat a grape. The hardware departments were something else and while in one shop she asked me what those brush things with the long handle were.
I told her they were toilet brushes. "What a good idea" she said "I'm going to get a couple of those". In fact she bought three.

Anyway, I met her today and enquired how she got on with the toilet brushes.

"Good God" she said "We had to go back to using paper. They were ripping the arse off us".
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oldherbaceous
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby oldherbaceous » Mon Jan 11, 2010 6:01 pm

Dear Gerry, i think toilet brushes are one of those things you have to start using at a young age to get use to them.

We had to share one with next door.
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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:27 pm

Two seagulls were flying over the beach at a seaside resort one boiling hot August Bank Holiday afternoon. Every way they looked, there were so many people there wasn't a speck of sand to be seen.
'Ah,' said one to the other contemptuously, 'takes all the skill out of it, doesn't it?'
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