Kitchen Garden Forum

Here's one as ancient as most of us here.

Q: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

(This only works if you're a Scot or can do a convincing Scottish accent.)

A: Bing sings and Walt disnae.

OK. I'll get my coat.

We have Xmas Turkeys on display at our local Supermarket.

I hear Boris Johnson has a BOOS problem.

Can somebody please tell me why can't I get any of Alans images.

It is probably the settings on your computer.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

FINALLY! BLOND MEN JOKES:

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers "Yes but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry
hair and I just wet mine."

A blond man spots a letter on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO
NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick
it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?"
asks the doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

A blond man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging
myself" the blond replies. "The rope should be around your neck" says
the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breath."

An Italian tourist asks a blond man "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blond man replies, "If they
fell forward they'd still be in the boat."

A friend told the blond man, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The
blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not on the 13th."

Two blond men found 3 grenades and they decided to take them to the
police station. One of them asks, "What if one explodes before we get
there?" The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found 2."

Guy who is having an affair with his secretary goes to her house one afternoon they fall asleep and when they wake up it’s well past his normal time for getting home, as he gets dressed he says to his secretary ” go outside and rub my shoes on the lawn “ which she does. When he gets home his wife asked where he has been and he says “Well I can’t lie I’ve been having it off which my secretary for a while now and today I fell asleep at hers“ Wife looks down at his shoes covered in mud and grass and says “ lying sod you’ve been at the golf“

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

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Well, no doubt we'll soon find out !