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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:02 pm
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Mon Jul 01, 2019 8:47 am
by alan refail
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Mon Jul 01, 2019 9:49 am
by Primrose
Oh I must send this one to our council's Highways Department!
I fear any meltdown may delay my Pothole Planting Competition !

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:27 am
by Primrose
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.
The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jul 16, 2019 8:24 pm
by Primrose
See You On the Porch
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."??

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:52 am
by alan refail
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:01 am
by Primrose
I love Matt. He always seems to hit the spot.

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Mon Jul 22, 2019 7:59 pm
by peter
One for Alan

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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Fri Jul 26, 2019 5:27 pm
by alan refail
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larry.JPG (41.55 KiB) Viewed 605 times

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sat Jul 27, 2019 8:04 am
by Primrose
A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.
The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?” The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.
Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jul 28, 2019 9:19 am
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Jul 28, 2019 9:19 am
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2019 8:06 pm
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2019 11:26 pm
by snooky
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Breakages.jpg (41.05 KiB) Viewed 539 times

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2019 9:46 am
by Primrose
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a typically conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’
The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’
‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”