Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Thu Jun 13, 2019 9:22 pm

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Regards snooky

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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:51 pm

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Nigel Farage. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Farage looks bewildered and says, "Who the hell are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, Nigel."
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Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Tue Jun 18, 2019 10:36 pm

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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Stephen » Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:24 pm

[Image]
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Thu Jun 20, 2019 7:28 pm

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Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.

I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Fri Jun 21, 2019 8:14 pm

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.

So far, it's been seven owls and 15 jays.
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Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.

I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Mon Jun 24, 2019 7:21 pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.
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Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Mon Jun 24, 2019 8:39 pm

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Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Stephen » Tue Jun 25, 2019 3:54 pm

“Coffee can help you lose weight” say researchers.
A study in the local Starbucks finds customers losing at least five pounds every time they go in.
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Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Elmigo » Tue Jun 25, 2019 4:15 pm

The other day I was taking a walk in the forest and saw someone cutting trees rapidly. One tree after another dropped down to the floor! It all went so fast that I got curious and asked him: "Where did you learn to cut trees this fast?" to which he replied with: "In the desert."

"In the desert?" I asked, "But there are no trees in the desert!" and he said "Right, not anymore."
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Wed Jun 26, 2019 7:24 am

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
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Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Stephen
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Stephen » Wed Jun 26, 2019 4:44 pm

In Brandenburg.
"Excuse me Sir, do you know why we stopped you?"
"Was I speeding?"
"No Sir, think again."
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Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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alan refail
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Thu Jun 27, 2019 3:26 pm

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Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Stephen
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Stephen » Thu Jun 27, 2019 5:30 pm

:lol:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:46 am

The Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,

“How beautiful the animals are!”

“How majestic the trees are!”

“How powerful the rivers are!”

As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an eight-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He kept running. The next time he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was even closer. At that point he tripped and fell to the ground. The bear was nearly on top of him, his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, “God help me!”

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, “You’ve denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don’t exist. You’ve even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?”

The atheist looked into the light and said, “Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask you to treat me as a believer now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a believer?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty, Amen.”
5 x
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)

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