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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 9:59 pm
by snooky
Shopkeeper: We have an offer going on... its free for you sir!

Bobby: Yeah but can you do cheaper?

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 6:03 pm
by tigerburnie
Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 6:24 pm
by Stephen
:lol:

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:32 pm
by alan refail
While walking down the street one day a politician is hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by an angel at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says the angel. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see politicians around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," says the angel.

And with that, the angel escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in the finest batik there is. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then indulge themselves on lobsters, caviar and the most expensive food there is.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where the angel is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and the angel returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The politician doesn't need to reflect for too long. He answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I am better off in hell."

So the angel escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the politician.

"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning just like you during an election......

Today you voted."

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 12:27 am
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 10:38 pm
by Stephen
Near me there are villages called:- Bourne End, Piccotts End, Holtsmere End, Water End and Pottern End.

Should I rename my street Wits End? (I live at the end of it).

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:11 am
by Geoff
I thought it was only medieval monarchs that were at their wit's end.

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:16 pm
by Stephen
:D

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 8:57 pm
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2019 12:02 pm
by Stephen
Groan!

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 3:44 pm
by snooky
Taking advantage of private enterprise using enterprise




A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 6:49 pm
by Primrose
On sale now from your water utility ?

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2019 6:42 am
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2019 9:15 am
by peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Posted: Sun Apr 28, 2019 11:55 am
by oldherbaceous
Absolutely brilliant, Peter.....that made me chuckle...... :) :)