Kitchen Garden Forum

Charles Dickens published his novels in instalments, but for "The Tale of Two Cities" this was limited to just two local newspapers.
It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times

(Brazenly stolen from BBC R4

Surprised you observant lot didn't pick me up on calling a cricket match umpire a "referee". Took pity on me, I suppose.

Two from the Gargrave and Coniston Cold Parish Magazine:

Three elderly church ministers, all hard of hearing, were playing golf one sunny autumn morning. The Methodist minister declared, "Windy, isn't it?" "No". the Baptist pastor said, "It's Thursday. "The Anglican vicar agreed, "So am I. Let's go and get a pint".

* * *

A new vicar was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it through the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message "Genesis 3:10".
Reaching for his bible to check out the citation, he broke out into gales of laughter.

Now, unless you are very familiar with the bible, here is the explanation:
Revelation 3:20 begins: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock".
Genesis 3:10 reads: "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked".

Second true Norfolk tale, told to me by the previously mentioned Albert Hansell, who as brewery club secretary was friendly with the local police.
He was surprised to read in the local paper that the Three Tuns pub, on the Norwich ring road, had been summoned for allowing drinking after hours, to which the cops usually turned a blind eye. But it seems that one night the station received a call from a resident complaining about after-hours drinking. They had to respond, so the duty sergeant sent a car to the pub, which arrived with full siren and lights flashing, all four cops got out and slammed the doors loudly, went to the closed front door of the pub and knocked. After a long pause the door opened a crack and a voice said "If you want a drink come round the back"

Mick had an email from pat his next door neighbor , Mick every time you go out I help myself to your wife I have a great time I'm sorry about it and I'm happy to say it won't happen again , Mick picked up his shot gun and blasted his wife , next thing he got another email from pat , sorry Mick I meant WiFi bloody spell checker

It’s December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn... They all grovel before him and begin their task....



After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. Three wise men? That sounds like Ivy League elitists to me. Plus, Frankincense and myrrh? I bet these guys are Arabs. The president wouldn’t like this at all.”

The other aide agrees he has a point, so they take out the wise men and chuck them over the fence.

“Do you think it’s ready now?” says the first aide.

“Not really,” says the second one, “Look at Mary and Joseph - they’re refugees! I bet they’re bringing drugs and crime to Nazareth.”

So they take out Mary and Joseph too.

“Ok, I think we’re ready,” says the first one.

“Not yet,” says the second, “look at the baby. His parents came from Egypt just so he could be born in Nazareth? Sounds like an anchor baby to me.”

So they chuck out Jesus as well.

Proud of their work, they head back to the Oval Office to let the president know they’ve finished.

“Well?” He asks, “have you finished the most bigly tremendous decorations? We’re going to make Christmas great again.”

“Yes, Mister President. We’re sure you’ll be very happy with it. We took out the wise men, Mary and Joseph, and Jesus.”

“Well,” Trump asks, “what’s left?”

“It’s just the way we thought you’d like it sir. One jackass and a whole bunch of sheep.”

Oh please everybody tap your deepest wells of humour and keep it flowing.
No point in looking to Westminster for any light relief for the foreseeable future !

Top Christmas cracker joke of 2018.

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

Pays her off.

I thought he got somebody else to pay her off then jailed them!

I thought he married her

It might be you!!!

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

Made me smile but guess we'd better get used to it because my husband just bought some Walkers Brussels Sprouts flavour to try!
Can't see it being a long runner. Perhaps just a Christmas promotion?

Go to Scotland and indulge in Sprout Ice cream!


https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/fabulo ... s-sprouts/