Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Shallot Man]

Me patron saint's day is coming in a few weeks and it is time to laugh.



Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.



'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..



'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

________________________________

Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something In your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

________________________________

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

________________________________

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'



The priest says, 'What woud that be Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun.....'

________________________________

. . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down,but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds a few times on the wall.


The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

[Shallot Man]

Make sure you've got the sound on and watch it all the way )







http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp_hzrB_ ... r_embedded

[Monika]

Johnny, Jock and Paddy sit in the pub, trying to figure out how to get into the Olympic Games without having to pay the enormous ticket prices. "Ah", they say, "we'll go in as competitors".

So, Johnny picks up a saucepan lid, waves it at the chap at the entrance gate, saying, "Discus throwing". And in he goes.

Jock picks up a long-handled weedpicker, waves it at the chap at the entrance gate, saying, "Javelin". And in he goes.

Paddy picks up a roll of barbed wire, waves it at the chap at the entrance gate, saying, "Fencing". And, guess what, he is refused entry.

[Shallot Man]

A young Arab asks his father:


What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?

It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?

These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me, papa...

Yes, my son?

... Why are we living in PETERBOROUGH and still wearing all this shit???

[Shallot Man]

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently;

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for
their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her Being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her.
I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

[The Grock in the Frock]

ha ha ha ha the british airways com was sooo funny

[snooky]

And so say all of us!!

---


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Here’s an example.

The other day, Mary, my wife, and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[The Grock in the Frock]

pmsl fab!!!!!

[Shallot Man]

love this Doctor!


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Shallot Man]

Just across Germany's northern-most border with Denmark you'll find an incredible superstore called Fleggaard. There, you can buy everything you need - tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap - at prices 30% cheaper than you'll find in Denmark ..

It is Denmark 's Costco, packaged as a German loophole. The 100+ women do stunts in the air - while free-falling - holding hands to spell out "Half-off on Dishwasher soap at Fleggaard." You'd be hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn't seen and fallen in love with this commercial.

Big surprise! It was geared strictly to men. The ad is real!

Here is a link to what may be the best advertisement ever made.


Click here: http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

[Shallot Man]

Courses for Women
Taught by men, for women.

101
Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV

102
Doing Housework Without Complaining

103
Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge

104
Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)

105
Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"

106
Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother

107
Learning How to Initiate Intimacy

108
How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong

109
Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"

110
Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must

111
The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too

112
Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"

113
"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous

114
How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him

115
The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle

116
You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone

117
Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable

118
Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can Is Enough)

119
Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World

120
Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook

121
Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There

122
Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours

123
Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases

124
Makeup: The Less is More Theory

125
Nagging: Stop the Insanity!
Courses for Men
Taught by women, for men.

101
Combating Stupidity

102
You Too Can Do Housework

103
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

104
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray

105
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money

106
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM

107
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks")

108
Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception

109
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook

110
How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong

111
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

112
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

113
You – The Weaker Sex

114
Reasons To Give Flowers

115
How To Stay Awake After

116
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom

117
Garbage – Getting It To the Curb

118A
You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

118B
The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower

119
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

120
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

121
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

122
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

123
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes

124
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

125
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver

126
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

127
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works

128
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary

129
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

130
Real Men Ask For Directions

131
How To Take Illness Like a Man

[snooky]

Retirement?

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[The Grock in the Frock]

not a joke but something my 11yr old daughter said.
we were driving along in the car and my husband was telling me a story about a friend of his who goes out drinking with someone royal,no names mentioned but she is one of the young royals and likes horses,anyway me husband tells me that this one was kicked out of a pub for throwing up in a pint glass ,and he then informs me that-
"she had been around the block a few time"
to which i said
"why are you men so quick too jump on the band wagon,when a girl has done this,it really gets on my nerves that there is one rule for men and another for women!"
To which my young innocent daughter replies.....
" Yes i know ,what is the big deal,some girls can drive,and some cant!"

[Shallot Man]

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?


Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?


Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?


Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?


How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?


When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?


Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


And my FAVORITE…
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.

[snooky]

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!




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