The Hotel Bill
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
The manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager.
The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens .
Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
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Shallot Man
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A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual
assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then
he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a
batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".
said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual
assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then
he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a
batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".
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Shallot Man
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- Location: Basildon. Essex
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A Political Guide for Tourists to Ireland
Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland – not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland , but still pay in Euros.
Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.
There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced “Doyle”), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers’ money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people’s choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.
Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .
Ireland has three economies – northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North’s biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.
Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland – not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland , but still pay in Euros.
Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.
There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced “Doyle”), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers’ money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.
Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people’s choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.
Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .
Ireland has three economies – northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North’s biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.
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alan refail
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- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
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You know you're living in 2010 when....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7 Every advert on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before making breakfast.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.
7 Every advert on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before making breakfast.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
Can I add one of my own to that list, Alan?
You know you're living in 2010 when:
-You text the kids from the kitchen to tell them to come down from their bedrooms for supper!
You know you're living in 2010 when:
-You text the kids from the kitchen to tell them to come down from their bedrooms for supper!
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
As a piper I am invited to play at many different events.
Last week a funeral director asked if I would play at the burrial of a homeless man who had no family or friends. Of course I agreed.
The burial was to take place in a part of the County with which I am not familiar so I set off in plenty of time. However I got lost and being a man I wouldn't ask the way.
When I eventualy found it the funeral director and the priest had gone and only two workmen remained and were sitting by their van eating their lunch.
I walked over to the grave with my pipes in hand to find that it had been partialy filled. With a heavy heart I started to play.
The workmen joined me and looking down into the grave I started to weep.
I wept, the workmen wept and eventualy I stopped playing and walked back to my car, put my pipes into the boot and as I was getting into the driving seat I heard one workman say...
"I have never experienced anything like that in all the twenty years that I have been installing septic tanks".
Seemingly I'm Still lost.
Last week a funeral director asked if I would play at the burrial of a homeless man who had no family or friends. Of course I agreed.
The burial was to take place in a part of the County with which I am not familiar so I set off in plenty of time. However I got lost and being a man I wouldn't ask the way.
When I eventualy found it the funeral director and the priest had gone and only two workmen remained and were sitting by their van eating their lunch.
I walked over to the grave with my pipes in hand to find that it had been partialy filled. With a heavy heart I started to play.
The workmen joined me and looking down into the grave I started to weep.
I wept, the workmen wept and eventualy I stopped playing and walked back to my car, put my pipes into the boot and as I was getting into the driving seat I heard one workman say...
"I have never experienced anything like that in all the twenty years that I have been installing septic tanks".
Seemingly I'm Still lost.
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Shallot Man
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The Telephone Call
At dawn, the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey?
This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Sí, that's the one." "That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....?!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
Silence...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
At dawn, the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey?
This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Sí, that's the one." "That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....?!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
Silence...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
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Elle's Garden
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- Location: West Sussex
note to self: don't read this thread whilst attempting to eat lunch!
Kind regards,
Elle
Elle
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Mike Vogel
- KG Regular
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- Location: Bedford
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 Euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 Euro note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 Euro note.
The hotel proprietor then places the 100 Euro note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 Euro note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 Euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 Euro note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 Euro note.
The hotel proprietor then places the 100 Euro note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 Euro note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
Please support Wallace Cancer Care
http://www.wallacecancercare.org.uk
and see
http://www.justgiving.com/mikevogel
Never throw anything away.
http://www.wallacecancercare.org.uk
and see
http://www.justgiving.com/mikevogel
Never throw anything away.
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Geoff
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This Christmas, consider the following:
This woman is 51.
She is a TV "health guru" advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill health, promoting exercise and a pescetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation and supplements, also making statements that yeast is harmful, that the colour of food is nutritionally significant, and about the utility of faecal examination.
This woman is 50.
She is a TV cook, who drinks her share of wine and eats nothing but meat, cream, butter and fancy desserts.
So take note and crack on with the wine and chocolates this Xmas!!!!
Merry Christmas!
- Healthy.jpg (28.9 KiB) Viewed 3093 times
This woman is 51.
She is a TV "health guru" advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill health, promoting exercise and a pescetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation and supplements, also making statements that yeast is harmful, that the colour of food is nutritionally significant, and about the utility of faecal examination.
- Unhealthy.jpg (24.78 KiB) Viewed 3093 times
This woman is 50.
She is a TV cook, who drinks her share of wine and eats nothing but meat, cream, butter and fancy desserts.
So take note and crack on with the wine and chocolates this Xmas!!!!
Merry Christmas!
i thought the first was a lot older.
if your bored or snowed in try this lot... think there 100 odd pages.... not all of them politically correct or suitable to tell the mother in law though.
/www.landyzone.co.uk/lz/f37/official-joke-thread-24931-2.html
if your bored or snowed in try this lot... think there 100 odd pages.... not all of them politically correct or suitable to tell the mother in law though.
/www.landyzone.co.uk/lz/f37/official-joke-thread-24931-2.html
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alan refail
- KG Regular
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- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
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What does she eat? Desiccated hamsters?
