Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[The Mouse]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

[snooky]

Homebase is having a sale on Irish Garden Recliners


I have been using mine incorrectly all these years!

irish.jpg (37.5 KiB) Viewed 3884 times

[Monika]

Oh, I like that, snooky! I shall give it a go when I go to the allotment tomorrow and sup my coffee from the thermos whilst reclining!

[Shallot Man]

TOMMY COOPER JOKES ............




1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom..'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.



I prefer the last one myself

[pongeroon]

especially number 4

[alan refail]

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of good old Blighty, sung by the London All Boys Choir with Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

[Shallot Man]

> *These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:*
> *
> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER**.
> 8 years old.
> Hateful little bastard.
> Bites!**
>
> FREE PUPPIES**
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.*
> *
> FREE PUPPIES**.
> Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
> Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound.*
> *
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED**.
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.*
> *
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY**!
> Must sell washer and dryer £100.*
> *
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE**.
> Worn once by mistake.
> Call Stephanie.*
>
>
>
>
> *
> *** And the WINNER is... ****
>
>
>
>
> *
> FOR SALE BY OWNER**.
> Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> Excellent condition....£200 or best offer.
> No longer needed; got married last month.
> Partner knows "f#%#%#g" everything!*
>
>

[Elaine]

[Shallot Man]

This is one of the funniest thing I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!
>
>
>
> ABOUT THE WRITER
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.
>
>
>
>
> Colonoscopy Journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
>
> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
>
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
>
> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
>
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
>
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
>
> This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
>
> The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
>
> Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
>
> There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
>
> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
>
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>
>
> On the subject of Colonoscopies.
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
> And the best one of all:
> 13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
>

[Shallot Man]

*:* The Wish/or the impossible dream
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> *The Bridge*
> **
> A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
> sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you
> have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
>
> The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
> over anytime I want.'
>
> God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
> challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
> bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do
> it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
> little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
>
> The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
> wish that I , and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she
> feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
> why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps
> and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
>
> scroll down
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
>

[Shallot Man]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their
> lives.*
> * When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.* *One
> day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives,
> and we played all through High School. **Please do me one favor: **When you
> get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's *
> *women's softball there.'*
> *Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, **'Barb, you've been
> my best friend for many years. **If it's at all possible, I'll do this
> favour for you.'*
> *Shortly after that, Rose passed on.*
> *A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep **by a
> blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, *
> *'Barb, Barb.'*
> *'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'*
> *'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'*
> *'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'*
> *'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.*
> *'Rose! Where are you?'*
> *'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little
> bad news.'*
> *'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.*
> *'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. **Better
> yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. **Better than
> that, we're all young again.* *Better still, it's always springtime, and it
> never rains or snows. **And best of all, we can play softball all we want,*
> *and we never get tired.'*
> *'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
> what's the bad news?'*
> *'You're pitchingTuesday'*
>

[Shallot Man]

Subject:* FW: Aussie letter home
>
>
>
>
>
> Read this to the end - Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum
>
> and Dad.
>
>
>
> (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of
>
> Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Dear Mum & Dad,
>
>
>
>
>
> I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
>
> the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody
>
> quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
>
>
>
> I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
>
> outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do
>
> before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No
>
> bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
>
>
>
> Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot
>
> water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal,
>
> fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot
>
> Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all
>
> the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez
>
> its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
>
>
>
> This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
>
> getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
>
> bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like
>
> the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
>
> before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
>
> and hit the target - its a piece of piss!!
>
>
>
> You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and
>
> ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting
>
> truck when you reload!
>
>
>
> Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
>
> careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
>
> and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
>
> after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like
>
> I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one
>
> bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles
>
> across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone
> wringin'
>
> wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
>
> word gets around how bloody good it is.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Your loving daughter,
>
>
>
> Sheila

[goldilox]

A man on a train travelling at lunchtime. The train stopped for 15 minutes in a station, and the man got off to grab a quick bite in the station restaurant. Not having much time, he rushed in and sat down opposite a man reading a newspaper with a plate of spaghetti in front of him.

The waiter came to take his order and the man said he only had a short time and could he have something quick - maybe spaghetti like the man opposite.

The waiter goes off with his order and the man waits, and waits, and waits. Time is getting short and he's starting to panic as there's no sign of his meal. Eventually he thought, well the guy opposite (behind his newspaper) doesn't seem to be eating his, maybe he won't notice if I eat it and then when mine comes he can have that.

He quietly slid the plate over and ate the spaghetti as fast as he could. When he got near the bottom of the pile, he found a huge cockroach underneath. Unable to help himself, he brought the whole lot back onto the plate, at which point, the newspaper descended, and the chap opposite said "Yes, that's about as far as I got with it too"

[Chantal]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a boring group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...

Today you voted.'

[alan refail]

A man walks into a chemist's with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university students," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."