Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

A place to chat about anything you like, including non-gardening related subjects. Just keep it clean, please!

Moderators: Chantal, Tigger, KG Steve, peter, Chief Spud

Stephen
KG Regular
Posts: 1171
Joined: Thu Feb 14, 2008 4:03 pm
Location: Butts Meadow, Berkhamsted
x 405

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Stephen » Fri Dec 27, 2019 8:44 am

Bravo Geoff. That's the answer I was given.
0 x
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
User avatar
alan refail
KG Regular
Posts: 7135
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
x 445

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Fri Dec 27, 2019 11:14 am

Image
3 x
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Elmigo
KG Regular
Posts: 314
Joined: Mon Mar 04, 2019 12:54 pm
x 187

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Elmigo » Fri Jan 03, 2020 3:09 pm

What does a tea lover wear?

...

A Tea-shirt.
1 x
WestHamRon
KG Regular
Posts: 375
Joined: Mon Oct 16, 2006 6:46 pm
Location: Grays, Essex
x 19

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby WestHamRon » Thu Jan 09, 2020 9:23 pm

I recently passed a pet shop in which a beautiful cat was sleeping. Above the cat was a sign stating the cat had been imported from Holland.
Intrigued I entered the shop and asked
"How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"
2 x
User avatar
snooky
KG Regular
Posts: 750
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
Location: Farnborough
x 200

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Fri Jan 10, 2020 10:42 pm

An attractive young woman on a flight to Irelandasked the priest beside her"Father,may I ask you a favour?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
6 x
Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
User avatar
snooky
KG Regular
Posts: 750
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
Location: Farnborough
x 200

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Fri Jan 10, 2020 10:47 pm

An old English gentleman is sitting in his study.Suddenly his butler crashes in through the door and screams "SIR! We are flooding! There's water everywhere..." "James! This is most irregular. Please leave and come in again with the dignity that is inherent to English gentlemen!" The butler bows himself out and then comes in again: "Sir, Flash flood, the River is..." But the lord interrupts him "James, please compose yourself and deliver the message with calmness and dignity! Out you go!" James steps outside and then opens the door again and calmly states. "Sir, it is my very good honour to introduce to you the river Thames"
2 x
Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
User avatar
Diane
KG Regular
Posts: 1622
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2005 3:08 pm
Location: Wimborne, Dorset.
x 410

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Diane » Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:30 pm

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour said, "What are you doing?"
I said, "I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order."
She replied, "Really? I don't know how you find the time."
"Oh that's easy," I said. "It's right next to the sage!"

:roll:
4 x
'Preserve wildlife - pickle a rat'
User avatar
Primrose
KG Regular
Posts: 6625
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
Location: Bucks.
x 1165

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Primrose » Sun Jan 26, 2020 2:02 pm

Lots more humour please! These days of endless grey skies are zapping my soul !
0 x
User avatar
snooky
KG Regular
Posts: 750
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
Location: Farnborough
x 200

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:05 pm

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?
2 x
Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
User avatar
snooky
KG Regular
Posts: 750
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
Location: Farnborough
x 200

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:17 pm

a blonde calls her boyfriend and says"Please come over and help me.I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started"He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
1 x
Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
User avatar
snooky
KG Regular
Posts: 750
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
Location: Farnborough
x 200

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:23 pm

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?. The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
4 x
Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
User avatar
alan refail
KG Regular
Posts: 7135
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
x 445

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:33 pm

A little old lady...
...was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., mate! Give me £20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
4 x
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
User avatar
alan refail
KG Regular
Posts: 7135
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
x 445

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Sun Jan 26, 2020 3:40 pm

The oldest job in the world
A surgeon,gardener and electrician were sitting in a bar talking about the world's oldest job.

The Surgeon laughed and said: “HAH! Of course surgeon is the oldest job in the world who else removed the rib from Adam's body for god to create Eve! He doesn’t even have a scar from it!”

Then the Gardener laughed and said:”Haha! You fool, gardener is the oldest job in the world!
Someone had to make sure the Garden of Eden was beautiful and all the bushes were clipped before god’s creation appeared!”

The Electrician laughed as he drank from his pint and said:"you're both are complete fools, everyone knows electrician is the oldest job in the world!”

“Before God even created light we were already installing cables for 5 days!”
1 x
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
User avatar
Diane
KG Regular
Posts: 1622
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2005 3:08 pm
Location: Wimborne, Dorset.
x 410

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Diane » Tue Jan 28, 2020 3:39 pm

Gardening requires a lot of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.
4 x
'Preserve wildlife - pickle a rat'
User avatar
snooky
KG Regular
Posts: 750
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
Location: Farnborough
x 200

Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Wed Jan 29, 2020 4:33 pm

If you haven't grown up by 40 you don't have to.
1 x
Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion

Return to “General chatter”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Clive. and 19 guests