Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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peter
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:31 pm

PLUMPUDDING wrote:I saw two stickers on the back of a car this afternoon:-

"No baby on board - Durex" and "There are no biscuits left over night in this car"



Saw a honeywagon* with a notice on the back, "No stools left in this vehicle overnight."


* cesspit emptying lorry.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby peter » Wed Sep 12, 2018 9:15 pm

Two women neighbours, Emma and Mel, go out one night without their husbands. They go to a restaurant for a meal and order a bottle of wine. Sitting there chatting away they order another bottle of wine, by the time the restaurant closes they've had a right skinful, pay up and stagger off home.

Halfway home Emma turns to the Mel and says, “Sorry, but I'm busting for a poo, can you keep watch for anyone passing by while I go?” Mel glances around, then replies “That's funny that is, I'm busting for one an all, but theres too many people around for us to drop our knickers in the middle of the street.”

Emma now looks around a bit more closely “Look over there behind those bushes, thats the cemetary, let's nip in there we'll be out of sight behind those bushes, they'll hide us.” Mel is still a bit worried, "Have you got any tissues Ems, cos I've got nothing to wipe me bum with?" she asks, Emma is also tissueless, but has had a bit more wine and is full of dutch courage, "Nope, bit I'm going to use my knickers and chuck them in the bin over there!"

Each picks a bush and gets on with it, however the Mel is wearing her favorite expensive silk knickers given to her by her husband and doesn't want to bin or ruin them. So spotting a couple of bunches of flowers on the nearest grave she decides to use them instead and puts her knickers back on after wiping.

Business done without being spotted, they take to the pavement and stagger home, each slipping quietly out of her dress and into bed next to her snoring husband.

The next day Emma's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned Mel's husband and asked “Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home withour her knickers!”

Mel's husband replies “Well you're luckier than me, Mel came home with a big red ribbon sticking out of her knickers and written on it was ‘From all of us at the club, we’ll never forget you.'!"
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Stephen » Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:02 pm

Murder in the Cathedral
The four knights named as the "murderers" of Thomas a Becket, Reginald FitzUrse, Hugh de Morville, William de Tracy and Richard le Breton have appeared in front of scribes and denied the accusation, saying they only went to Canterbury to look at its famous tower, west front and font.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:11 pm

Stephen wrote:Murder in the Cathedral
The four knights named as the "murderers" of Thomas a Becket, Reginald FitzUrse, Hugh de Morville, William de Tracy and Richard le Breton have appeared in front of scribes and denied the accusation, saying they only went to Canterbury to look at its famous tower, west front and font.



NO SNOW !!
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby tigerburnie » Sat Oct 27, 2018 2:41 pm

My mate won a Land Rover experience day.

They drove him to a layby on the A38 where he had to wait 4 hours for the RAC
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Sun Oct 28, 2018 9:34 am

Found on a Motorhome forum.A new motorhomer asking for "Toilet Help" and this was one of the "helpful" answers!!















IF! yes that is IF ?You are a veggie or a vegan, Your diet is of course of the plant variety.
Well! using a M/H / Caravan Loo can be quiet fraught ;)

For a start all this veggie matter lying in you tummy, acts like a compost heap, it produces methane gas which I must warn you is COMBUSTABLE!!!
In general the loo seat in a M/Home is designed to fit a size 8 a**e, and like wise the general M/Homer a**e is size 18
SO!
Here you have the ubiquitous puzzle of a size 18 A**e filling and sealing a size 8 A**e hole, the contents of which are confined in an airtight plastic container ((the cassette) and you are releasing methane from your rear orifice , at a high rate of knots, early in the morning!
Don't repeat DONT!!under any circumstances operate any electrical appliances Or gas , do not Smoke until the methane is well dispersed

Unless of course you are a thrill seeker!:eek:
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Primrose » Sun Oct 28, 2018 10:31 am

If you think performing the above function is challenging in motor home or caravan, watch this You Tube live demonstration video of what its like trying to "go" up in the space Station !

The loo demonstration starts around 9 minutes 18 seconds but the whole video is well worth watching if you haven't seen it before.


http://youtu.be/hyn1We0wOT8
Last edited by Primrose on Sun Oct 28, 2018 12:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby JohnN » Sun Oct 28, 2018 12:37 pm

Thanks for that item, Primrose. What a terrific video that is, fascinating to watch, especially the visit to the loo!
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Pa Snip » Sun Oct 28, 2018 5:51 pm

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the
homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of
a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbour-
hood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all
got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I..'
The Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing
through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'
The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'


'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'
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The danger when people start to believe their own publicity is that they often fall off their own ego.

At least travelling under the guise of the Pa Snip Enterprise gives me an excuse for appearing to be on another planet
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Mon Oct 29, 2018 12:29 am

BtIjq00.jpg
BtIjq00.jpg (88.74 KiB) Viewed 3126 times
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Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby JohnN » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:08 pm

Talk at the pub of the report that the Queen does carry money - a neatly folded £5 note in her purse. I jokingly commented that I wondered how she managed to fold it, called in the Royal Tank Regiment perhaps?
Someone said "Oh, she doesn't carry it to spend, just as a means of identification".
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby JohnN » Tue Nov 20, 2018 12:15 pm

I used to work for a brewery in Norfolk, which was a great home for all sorts of amusing stories, so I thought I'd contribute one or two - all true, I swear!
At Bullards Brewery, in Norwich, they had a sports club, the secretary of which was one Albert Hansell. Albert had lost a leg, which had been replaced by a metal one from the thigh down, with a complicated knee joint. He used to call it his "tin leg".
One day Albert was refereeing a cricket match when a ball was driven hard off a bat, and travelling at high speed hit Albert on his knee. Luckily it was his tin knee, but the joint was so badly bent that Albert toppled over and couldn't get up. A call went out on the Tannoy, "Is there an engineer in the ground?" The call was answered by an AA man, who drove onto the ground and managed to straighten the joint enough for Albert to get his spare leg, which he always kept in his car.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Shallot Man » Tue Nov 20, 2018 1:45 pm

One trusts he was an AA member.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Geoff » Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:09 pm

or at least his leg was.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Pa Snip » Wed Nov 21, 2018 7:56 am

Shallot Man wrote:One trusts he was an AA member.


It cost him an arm and a leg to join
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The danger when people start to believe their own publicity is that they often fall off their own ego.

At least travelling under the guise of the Pa Snip Enterprise gives me an excuse for appearing to be on another planet

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