Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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Primrose
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Primrose » Sat Apr 22, 2017 6:44 pm

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Oakridge
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Oakridge » Mon Apr 24, 2017 7:08 pm

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker—Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
Children Are Quick
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child!)
______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
______________________________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________ _________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
______________________________ ____
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current political conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Colin2016 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 6:37 am

Brilliant Thank you Oakridge...Started the day with tears of laughter.
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Oakridge
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Oakridge » Tue Apr 25, 2017 7:08 pm

These may need translation:

A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.
He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin'.
He yells: "The blummin' 'e' is missing! Where's the 'e'? Tha's left the blummin' 'e' out lad!"
The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day.
The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard.
There, in the glow of thr winer son, is the pristine headstone. Upon it inscribed:
"Eeh, She Were Thin."

A Yorkshireman goes to a goldsmiths and asks, "Can tha mek us a gold statue o'me whippet?"
The goldsmith says he can, then asks: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
The man replies :"Nay lad, chewin' a bone'll do fine."

Wrigleys have launched a new website where you can order chewing gum online. It's called ebuygum.com!

What time do cafes open in Barnsley? Summat to ayt!

Mamma Mia: classic ABBA song or a Yorkshire kid telling his mum he's arrived?
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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Wed Apr 26, 2017 10:56 pm

Viagra
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"


He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. “It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

"

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?
"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

"

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?
"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."



"Well," she says, "Would you mind if I got out of bed? I'm starving."
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Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
PLUMPUDDING
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby PLUMPUDDING » Thu Apr 27, 2017 7:18 am

Why do they put the surname first in obituaries? Our local paper has recently announced the deaths of Slack Alice and Wild Winnie.
They also put "Mary died after a brave fight with her family, by her bedside"
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Fri Apr 28, 2017 9:26 am

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned ..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Georgie.

If you're not a Senior yet, then send this to someone who is.
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Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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alan refail
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Mon May 08, 2017 6:49 pm

Theresa May dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the
years....... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a
Margarita and relax, Theresa!"
"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry,
and it just gets better from there!"
May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.
They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things
other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a
day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May
reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren
scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Middlesborough. she is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here
and there was a country house and we ate lobster and
caviar...drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us."
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Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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Geoff
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Geoff » Mon May 08, 2017 8:07 pm

I suppose an alternative punchline would be "That was before Brexit".
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snooky
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby snooky » Tue May 09, 2017 5:33 pm

The bacon tree.
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon. "Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "it ees a bacon tree!

We're saved!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, it ees not a bacon tree, it ees a ham bush."
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Regards snooky

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WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby PLUMPUDDING » Fri May 12, 2017 1:19 pm

I don't know how to put a link on but have a look on Google at the Harry Enfield Yorkshire Airlines sketch
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby alan refail » Fri May 12, 2017 3:48 pm

PLUMPUDDING wrote:I don't know how to put a link on but have a look on Google at the Harry Enfield Yorkshire Airlines sketch


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-jw5GYqMhM
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Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
PLUMPUDDING
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby PLUMPUDDING » Fri May 12, 2017 9:43 pm

Thanks Alan.
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby JohnN » Sat May 13, 2017 9:33 am

Sign outside a local shop:
"Being fat makes you more difficult to kidnap. Stay safe - eat sweets"
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Re: Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

Postby Oakridge » Thu May 18, 2017 2:23 pm

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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