Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Shallot Man]

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Penn Station in NYC for Central New Jersey.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart, it's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No honey, not with that floozy from the accounting office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Etc, etc.....

Several minutes later, he was still talking loudly when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer.

[alan refail]

Why doesn't Julius Caesar ever use a mobile phone?

Because he died in 44 BC.

[Shallot Man]

Subject: Fw: BBQ RULES





BBQ Rules

We are entering the BBQ season (Apparently!). Therefore it is important to refresh your
memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man
volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, (if it is chicken she part cooks it first) places it on a tray along withthe necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone
where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can
take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine..

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat.

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce
and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off,' and, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.

[John]

An old Italian priest lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. A member of his church, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. So the old priest wrote a letter to his parishioner and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. I remember you in my prayers! Fr Louis

A few days later he received a letter from his parishioner.

Dear Fr Louis, Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Thanks for your prayers. Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old priest and left. That same day the old priest received another letter.

Dear Fr Louis, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Vinnie


John
(Thanks to the local church mag.)

[alan refail]

A vet was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms,
how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted
him.
"Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients
these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down,
quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have
to have you put to sleep."

[peter]

I met a very busty young lady in the pub the other night.

After chatting for a while she asked me outside.

Outside we went down an alley, where she turned on me, beat me up and robbed me.

It was a ........................................ booby trap. :

[alan refail]

[hzbzsz]

God said: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down
there on the planet? What happened to the
dandelions, violets, milk-weeds and stuff I
started eons ago?
“I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought
and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey-bees
and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colors by now.
“But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St. FRANCIS:
“It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers
'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.

GOD:
“Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod
worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these
Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
“Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow
it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
“The spring rains and warm weather probably make
grass grow really fast. That must make the
Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
“Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
“They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
“Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
“They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
“No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
“Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass
so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it
off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
“ Yes, Sir.

GOD:
“These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
“You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and
pay more money to water it, so they can continue to
mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
“What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and
shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees
and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
“You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they
rake them into great piles and pay to have them
hauled away.

GOD:
“No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree
roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
“After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home
and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
“And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
“They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
“Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about...

GOD:
“Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story from St. Francis.

[alan refail]

Once upon a time, there was a little bird who refused to fly south for the winter. His friends tried to convince him that winter was coming and he should go, but the little bird was adamant. Finally, his friends left on their journey, but the little bird remained behind. Pretty soon the weather turned bitter cold. The little bird began to shiver. After a while, he decided he had made a mistake, so he too headed south. But he was too late and the weather descended upon him. As he flew, ice formed on his wings. He grew more and more weary until finally he fell to earth in a cow pasture, freezing and exhausted. He was convinced he was going to die. As he lay there, freezing to death, a cow came by and crapped on him. The manure warmed his body and wings. The bird realized he would live. He was so happy, he began to sing. A cat was passing by and heard the singing. The cat dug into the manure, uncovered the bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who shits on you is necessarily your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you're happy in your own pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

[Shallot Man]

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it
past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as
I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[farmer jon]

Last year, after having dug to a depth of 5 metres, Canadian archaeologists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years.

They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago !

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an
American archaeologist dug to a depth of 10 metres. Shortly afterwards, a
story was published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire at a
depth of 10 metres, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
Canadians" !

A week later, British authorities reported the following:
"After digging to a depth of 20 metres in Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright,
self-taught archaeologist reported that he had found, "bugger all" !
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone
wireless" !

Just makes you proud to be British, doesn't it !

[Shallot Man]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to
"Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the
last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two
higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The
barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[Westi]

I'm sorry Shallot Man - I just posted that on my facebook page - really

Westi

[Shallot Man]

Westi. Abject apologies.

[Shallot Man]

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."