Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[The Mouse]

What a day - please can someone brighten it up a bit?

Things started badly when I went into Northampton to return a Christmas present bought for my OH's granddaughter - I traipsed around all 4 floors of Debenhams looking for a Customer Service point or something similar, only to discover that there's no such thing any more.

Then I went to Boots and they refused to sell me a product I needed because I'd used a similar product within the last few months (and was stupid enough to be honest about it when asked)! They said I would have to get a prescription from my doctor.

Obviously, I headed straight to Superdrug, where I wouldn't make the same mistake again. Pre-warned, I passed the first test, but then the assistant asked if I would mind telling her how old I was. Now, I'm not particularly coy, but I suspected a trap so asked her why. Turns out that she hadn't to sell the product to anyone over sixty. Believe me, as I'm still in my forties, that didn't go down very well!!!

The rest of my day in town was much the same, so please can someone post something funny to cheer me up? Pretty please?

[oldherbaceous]

How do you save a drowning Mouse?

Give it mouse to mouse resuscitation.x

Cheer-up Bert.

[The Mouse]

Thanks, OH. I knew I could rely on you!

[Arnie]

Try this one Bert

A man starts his new job at the zoo, and is given 3 tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at the two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the bodies into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do, and throws them into the lion enclosure - because
lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies:






wait for it











wait for it










"Absolutely brilliant! Today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!!!!!!"

Regards

Kevin

[snooky]

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. Has Mr. in it;

Female has Male in it;

She has He in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I've never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a.. HISterectomy.

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to all the men just to annoy them....

Remember:You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing



!

[snooky]

Three men married wives from different countries. The first man
married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first
day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[The Mouse]

Thanks, Kevin and Snooky.
Keep them coming - I'm feeling better already.
(and I think I might be a Canadian girl at heart! )

[donedigging]

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend, who would sometimes complain about getting splinters when they made love.
Pinocchio therfore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help,
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated....
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through the town and asked him "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied "who needs a girlfriend?"

Sorry I thought it was funny!

[oldherbaceous]

What is a mouses favourite game.

Hide and squeak.

[oldherbaceous]

So did i Donedigging.

[peter]

You should have tried buying some Gin in a supermarket.

Then they'd have demanded proof you are over 18.

[The Mouse]

You should have tried buying some Gin in a supermarket.

Then they'd have demanded proof you are over 18.

Those were the days, Peter.
Actually, some spotty-faced assistant did try that one on me not long ago, and I think that he thought he'd just brightened up some old lady's day!

[snooky]

Husband of the Year Awards



The honorable mention goes to:

The United Kingdom

image001U,K.jpg (42.47 KiB) Viewed 9910 times

Followed closely by...

The United States of America

America.jpg (45.79 KiB) Viewed 9911 times

And then...

Poland

Poland.jpg (64.51 KiB) Viewed 9908 times

[snooky]

Husband of the Year Awards






But 3rd Place must go to...

Greece

Greece.jpg (32.44 KiB) Viewed 9909 times

It was very very close but the runner up prize

was awarded to.....

Serbia

ukraine.jpg (32.94 KiB) Viewed 9910 times

But the winner of the husband/partner of the year is.....no, no, no, not Curacao....It's Ireland!Ya gotta love the Irish.

ireland.jpg (31.11 KiB) Viewed 9909 times

The Irish are true romantics: look, he's even
holding her hand...

[alan refail]

A Welshman, an Australian and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:

"Please tie a pillow to my back.

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Englishman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Welshman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Welshman replied."In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Englishman to my back."