New joke thread to cheer you all up

[alan refail]

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[alan refail]

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr Jones in the small village of Llanfair and give him the coded message: “The tulips are blooming well today.”

Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged: “Are you Mr Jones?”

“I am.”

“The tulips are blooming well today.”

Mr Jones stared at him in amazement then smiled: “Ah, you must have the wrong house.

“It's Jones the Spy you want.”

[dan3008]

what do you get if you divide the circumference of a winter squash by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

[Primrose]

.
The 2.99 Special

They went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' the wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' the wife asked incredulously.
YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' the wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' the wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[Pa Snip]

Came across this today, cant lay claim to being the originator

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But given what I think is growing I think someone was taking the pea

[Primrose]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life; or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a 'Marriage Weekend', my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential - all husbands and wives should know the things which are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"

... and thus began my life of celibacy.

[alan refail]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate not celibate," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

[Shallot Man]

Alan.The monk. My sort of humour.

[dan3008]

Genuine notices in my former church newsletter

For those who have kids and don't know it, there is a nursery in the side room
In memory of our band masters passing we will sing 'hallelujah he has gone before'
Morning service Jesus walks on water, evening service searching for Jesus
Don't let your fear kill you slowly, we can help
And finally
We shall sing great is the darkness as the band plays

[alan refail]

[alan refail]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's surgery. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his room alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, cook him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!

[Primrose]

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[PLUMPUDDING]

Very funny Primrose, perhaps she could get together with the mechanically minded chap and ditch the husband.

[dan3008]

oy I did use to write an advice column for my university magazine...

That said, my article got sacked after 6 weeks for telling someone to grow up

[Shallot Man]

Primrose. The Dear John, was my sort of humour.