New joke thread to cheer you all up

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Primrose
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Apologies if this was posted on the previous "funnies" thread. Blame a senior moment!

Understanding English hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city
on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a
quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of real ale.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...
no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those beers.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacentbuildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby,who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of
gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Elaine
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Paddy had his pal round for lunch. He opened the fridge and said;
"Why have you got an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
Paddy gave him a look.
"In case somebody wants a black coffee, you thick bugger".


boom boom!
Happy with my lot
robo
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Shallot man, i did it 2 mornings later now im finding it hard to type as my 2 middle fingers on my right hand are in plaster
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The Mouse
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This isn't a joke, but a 'mistranslation' that really made me laugh yesterday - someone tried to tell me in French that they had made a greek nut cake, but what they actually said translated as 'a cake made of Greeks' nuts". :lol:

Mind you, you do hear of people selling body parts when they are desperate for money, so maybe it was correct after all! :shock:
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Mark Twain
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Primrose
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Your Birth Song

Please note I've since deleted this link as I understand it'sgood practice not to encourage people to click on unknown links to reduce the risk of picking up a virus or malware on their computers.
Last edited by Primrose on Wed Sep 02, 2015 7:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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I got out of bed the other morning whent down stairs into the kitchen to see my wife facing the cooker wearing the t shirt she had slept in and little else, quick she cried make passionate love to me (now you know its a joke ) so not wanting to miss the opertunity i made a grab for her and went at it for all i was worth, when we had calmed down she returned to the cooker with her back to me with her t shirt still round her kneck ,what was that about i asked



Sorry she said but the egg timer is broke
Westi
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Hi Primrose!

Don't by Elvis Presley was the No 1 on by birth day - that'll do nicely!

Westi
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Primrose
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HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE.

PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES,
THEY WILL LIE TO YOU…TRUST ME …THIS IS THE REAL DEAL !

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began…. And that's the truth……..
I mean…you couldn’t make up this stuff…….
Could you ??
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Shallot Man
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Primrose. Brilliant.
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Primrose
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ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW....

A Cup of Tea made with cold water

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was
maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home. My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring
him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea
for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Westi
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Just had this posted on my FB page - I've seen it before but still had a giggle"

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
Westi
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Primrose
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The fable of the porcupines

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:
Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life.
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alan refail
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You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then what you've lost is a pigeon.
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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alan refail
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Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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Diane
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Gardening One-liners

Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.

Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.

Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.

Q: Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press your luck.

Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.

Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.

Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.

Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.
'Preserve wildlife - pickle a rat'
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