Kitchen Garden Forum

We are repeating on here, but it is well nigh impossible to check if ones joke is a repeat. Just my eclectic memory had the talking dog stuck in there.

http://forum.kitchengarden.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=7962&p=134798&hilit=talking+dog#p134798

Sorry Peter my mistake I must say I did not check first

New thread then??? Would be easier to check if wasn't so long? 962 posts - amazing! We at least among the trials & tribulations of growing still enjoy a laugh at least!

How about I make it a mongrel instead of a Labrador

Dinna fesh.

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy Dale said, "Alligator."
"Very good Dale, that's a big word."

The second boy Wayne said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Wayne. Very well done."

When Johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."


“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow"

A friend sent me this, so be prepared to groan. It's not bad, though.

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Every time I see a post from John Boy it reminds me of an incident that happened to me in his neck of the woods.

In the early 1960s I used to travel from Manchester to Swansea most Fridays, to visit a girlfriend. One time I stopped off overnight near Leominster and was invited to a Young Farmers party. Driving there in convoy we were involved in an accident which resulted in a court case in Leominster.

In court a solicitor was trying to lead one of the young farmers, who was a passenger in the back of my car, up to the time of the crash but the lad had failed to understand the question, put to him in different ways, several times.

Eventualy the solicitor said "Tell me, what were you doing as the car approached the bend"?
"I was filling my pipe" came the reply.
"Good, now what were you doing as the car went round the bend"?
"I was trying to light my pipe".
"Good. Did you manage to light your pipe"?
"No"
"THANK GOD FOR THAT. NOW WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THE COURT WHY YOU DIDN'T MANAGE TO LIGHT YOUR PIPE.

"I must have packed the baccy too tight" came the reply.

The whole Court fell about laughing.

Maybe John Boy was there!!!

Regards,
Gerry.

Too funny Gerry! More so as it is a real event! xx

Real Live Bloopers Church Ladies With Typewriters)

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced at church services:

________________________________


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

________________________________


Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

________________________________


The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon
tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'

________________________________


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

________________________________


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

________________________________


Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

________________________________


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

________________________________


Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

________________________________


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

________________________________


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow

________________________________


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

________________________________


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

________________________________


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.

________________________________


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

________________________________


Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

________________________________


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

________________________________


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

________________________________


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

________________________________


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the
back door.

________________________________


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

________________________________


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

________________________________

And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

snooky!

Made Mr Westi & I laugh - & now rather embarrassingly discussing past moments!

Two police men pulled a car over in Liverpool
They were surprised to find I was taxed and insured on inspection it had four good tyres , the driver had a clean licence not even one point for speeding
They had no option but to impose an £80 on the spot fine for wasting police time

Letter today in the ‘Daily Telegraph’, following some correspondence about how health staff address their patients in hospital:

Sir - In 30 years of healthcare I have addressed all my patients as “good girl” and “good boy”. and sometimes even as “gorgeous”.
This has always been well received, some even appreciate a reassuring cuddle before their consultation.

John Oleshko, Ashfield House Vetenary Hospital, Nottingham

There are times that should happen on the NHS, but we cant be euthanased