Nothing to do with gardening, this one.
I visit a forum for an online game I play, my wife thinks its silly, but I enjoy it, typical woman, boys n toys and all that.
I came across this ammusing thread, hope you all enjoy, I LMAO
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a
"gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs
on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense
of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the
way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost
replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land
not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in
cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence
removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more
believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's
what friction locks are for!
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in
OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after
brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up,
fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away
from midget
Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes, I just copied and pasted.
Funny Thread - I hope????
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
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oldherbaceous
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Good one frantony, if theres something i like, it's a good laugh. 
Kind regards Old Herbaceous.
Theres no fool like an old fool.
Kind regards Old Herbaceous.
Theres no fool like an old fool.
This made me chuckle:
Three sisters, aged 91, 93 and 95 lived together in Norfolk. One night the 95 - year-old ran herself a bath. She put a foot in, paused and yelled: "Now, wuz I gettin' in the tub or gettin' out?" The 93-year-old called back: "Dunno. I'll come an' see." She started up the stairs and then stopped: "Wuz I goin' up or comin' down?"
The 91-year-old sat at the kitchen table sipping tea and listening to her sisters. She shook her head and sighed: "I dew hope I never git that fergitful." and she knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled: "I'll come up an' help both of yer as soon as I seen who's at the door."
Three sisters, aged 91, 93 and 95 lived together in Norfolk. One night the 95 - year-old ran herself a bath. She put a foot in, paused and yelled: "Now, wuz I gettin' in the tub or gettin' out?" The 93-year-old called back: "Dunno. I'll come an' see." She started up the stairs and then stopped: "Wuz I goin' up or comin' down?"
The 91-year-old sat at the kitchen table sipping tea and listening to her sisters. She shook her head and sighed: "I dew hope I never git that fergitful." and she knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled: "I'll come up an' help both of yer as soon as I seen who's at the door."
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oldherbaceous
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Very good GIB, and to make it even funnier, we've all got that coming to us all. 
Thinking about it, it will be coming to some of us quicker than others, now i better finnish my dinner.
Kind regards Old Herbaceous.
Theres no fool like an old fool.
Thinking about it, it will be coming to some of us quicker than others, now i better finnish my dinner.
Kind regards Old Herbaceous.
Theres no fool like an old fool.
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Chantal
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This is one of my all time favourites:
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ..full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ..full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".
Chantal
I know this corner of the earth, it smiles for me...
I know this corner of the earth, it smiles for me...
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oldherbaceous
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Chantal, i think that just about sums things up.
But very funny indeed.
Glad me and Lizzie are nonconformists, so that lot doesn't really affect us.
Kind regards Old Herbaceous.
Theres no fool like an old fool.
But very funny indeed.
Glad me and Lizzie are nonconformists, so that lot doesn't really affect us.
Kind regards Old Herbaceous.
Theres no fool like an old fool.
So funny. You're right OH, I hate health and safety. What happend to common sense?
My partner was coming back from Belfast on Easy Jet and the pilot came over the tannoy
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We will shortly be taking off and we appologise for running slightly late. We are just consulting the owners manual and can't find the ignition key. If you see anything that's vibrating a bit too much please feel free to give it a kick back into place. We hope you enjoy your flight and thanks for flying Easy Jet!"
It landed in John Lennon and the pilot announced that they had landed. A voice at the back shouts up "You might have landed it mate but can you park it!!"
The moral of the story? Never fly with a Scouse pilot
You're right OH, I hate health and safety. What happend to common sense?
My partner was coming back from Belfast on Easy Jet and the pilot came over the tannoy
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We will shortly be taking off and we appologise for running slightly late. We are just consulting the owners manual and can't find the ignition key. If you see anything that's vibrating a bit too much please feel free to give it a kick back into place. We hope you enjoy your flight and thanks for flying Easy Jet!"
It landed in John Lennon and the pilot announced that they had landed. A voice at the back shouts up "You might have landed it mate but can you park it!!"
The moral of the story? Never fly with a Scouse pilot
Lots of love
Lizzie
Lizzie
My first ever flight in a plane was to Dublin...I travelled alone.
I listened carefully to all the emergency instructions and to the captain Shamus's welcome message telling us how fast we would be travelling, what the weather was like and when we would arrive
He then proceeded to make animal noises and proceeded through the whole farmyard...the plane took off amid uncontrolled laughter....no sign of nerves to be sure...too busy laughing
The first long haul flight was to the USA JFK where two of us joined an American Eagle flight to travel about 150 miles north
The small plane was full to bursting....stewardess went through the emergency procedures and then said that we would be a few minutes delay to take off.
Apparently we were to rear heavy and they were sending for a couple of office staff to stand in the cockpit to balance the plane...we took off with them clearly visible standing in the cockpit doorway.... that's when I discovered flight nerves.
I listened carefully to all the emergency instructions and to the captain Shamus's welcome message telling us how fast we would be travelling, what the weather was like and when we would arrive
He then proceeded to make animal noises and proceeded through the whole farmyard...the plane took off amid uncontrolled laughter....no sign of nerves to be sure...too busy laughing
The first long haul flight was to the USA JFK where two of us joined an American Eagle flight to travel about 150 miles north
The small plane was full to bursting....stewardess went through the emergency procedures and then said that we would be a few minutes delay to take off.
Apparently we were to rear heavy and they were sending for a couple of office staff to stand in the cockpit to balance the plane...we took off with them clearly visible standing in the cockpit doorway.... that's when I discovered flight nerves.
I am in my own little world, ...it's OK, ...they know me there!
