Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
- peter
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We are repeating on here, but it is well nigh impossible to check if ones joke is a repeat. Just my eclectic memory had the talking dog stuck in there.
http://forum.kitchengarden.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=7962&p=134798&hilit=talking+dog#p134798
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
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New thread then??? Would be easier to check if wasn't so long? 962 posts - amazing! We at least among the trials & tribulations of growing still enjoy a laugh at least!
Westi
- peter
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Dinna fesh.
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
- snooky
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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.
The first little boy Dale said, "Alligator."
"Very good Dale, that's a big word."
The second boy Wayne said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Wayne. Very well done."
When Johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow"
The first little boy Dale said, "Alligator."
"Very good Dale, that's a big word."
The second boy Wayne said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Wayne. Very well done."
When Johnny was asked he said, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow"
Regards snooky
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
- JohnN
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A friend sent me this, so be prepared to groan. It's not bad, though.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Every time I see a post from John Boy it reminds me of an incident that happened to me in his neck of the woods.
In the early 1960s I used to travel from Manchester to Swansea most Fridays, to visit a girlfriend. One time I stopped off overnight near Leominster and was invited to a Young Farmers party. Driving there in convoy we were involved in an accident which resulted in a court case in Leominster.
In court a solicitor was trying to lead one of the young farmers, who was a passenger in the back of my car, up to the time of the crash but the lad had failed to understand the question, put to him in different ways, several times.
Eventualy the solicitor said "Tell me, what were you doing as the car approached the bend"?
"I was filling my pipe" came the reply.
"Good, now what were you doing as the car went round the bend"?
"I was trying to light my pipe".
"Good. Did you manage to light your pipe"?
"No"
"THANK GOD FOR THAT. NOW WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THE COURT WHY YOU DIDN'T MANAGE TO LIGHT YOUR PIPE.
"I must have packed the baccy too tight" came the reply.
The whole Court fell about laughing.
Maybe John Boy was there!!!
Regards,
Gerry.
In the early 1960s I used to travel from Manchester to Swansea most Fridays, to visit a girlfriend. One time I stopped off overnight near Leominster and was invited to a Young Farmers party. Driving there in convoy we were involved in an accident which resulted in a court case in Leominster.
In court a solicitor was trying to lead one of the young farmers, who was a passenger in the back of my car, up to the time of the crash but the lad had failed to understand the question, put to him in different ways, several times.
Eventualy the solicitor said "Tell me, what were you doing as the car approached the bend"?
"I was filling my pipe" came the reply.
"Good, now what were you doing as the car went round the bend"?
"I was trying to light my pipe".
"Good. Did you manage to light your pipe"?
"No"
"THANK GOD FOR THAT. NOW WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THE COURT WHY YOU DIDN'T MANAGE TO LIGHT YOUR PIPE.
"I must have packed the baccy too tight" came the reply.
The whole Court fell about laughing.
Maybe John Boy was there!!!
Regards,
Gerry.
- snooky
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Real Live Bloopers Church Ladies With Typewriters)
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced at church services:
________________________________
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
________________________________
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
________________________________
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon
tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
________________________________
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
________________________________
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
________________________________
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
________________________________
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
________________________________
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
________________________________
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
________________________________
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow
________________________________
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
________________________________
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
________________________________
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
________________________________
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
________________________________
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
________________________________
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
________________________________
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
________________________________
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
________________________________
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the
back door.
________________________________
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
________________________________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
________________________________
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced at church services:
________________________________
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
________________________________
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
________________________________
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon
tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
________________________________
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
________________________________
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
________________________________
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
________________________________
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
________________________________
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
________________________________
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
________________________________
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow
________________________________
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
________________________________
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
________________________________
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
________________________________
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
________________________________
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
________________________________
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
________________________________
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
________________________________
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
________________________________
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the
back door.
________________________________
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
________________________________
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
________________________________
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Regards snooky
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
- snooky
- KG Regular
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- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
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Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
Regards snooky
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
-
- KG Regular
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Two police men pulled a car over in Liverpool
They were surprised to find I was taxed and insured on inspection it had four good tyres , the driver had a clean licence not even one point for speeding
They had no option but to impose an £80 on the spot fine for wasting police time
They were surprised to find I was taxed and insured on inspection it had four good tyres , the driver had a clean licence not even one point for speeding
They had no option but to impose an £80 on the spot fine for wasting police time
Letter today in the ‘Daily Telegraph’, following some correspondence about how health staff address their patients in hospital:
Sir - In 30 years of healthcare I have addressed all my patients as “good girl” and “good boy”. and sometimes even as “gorgeous”.
This has always been well received, some even appreciate a reassuring cuddle before their consultation.
John Oleshko, Ashfield House Vetenary Hospital, Nottingham
Sir - In 30 years of healthcare I have addressed all my patients as “good girl” and “good boy”. and sometimes even as “gorgeous”.
This has always been well received, some even appreciate a reassuring cuddle before their consultation.
John Oleshko, Ashfield House Vetenary Hospital, Nottingham
- Pa Snip
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There are times that should happen on the NHS, but we cant be euthanased
The danger when people start to believe their own publicity is that they often fall off their own ego.
At least travelling under the guise of the Pa Snip Enterprise gives me an excuse for appearing to be on another planet