Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[John]

D. Trump - the joke is now a reality and we will all suffer the consequences.

Garrison Keillor’s satirical Donald Trump sermon
The Lord is my shepherd. OK? Totally. Big league. He is a tremendous shepherd. The best. No comparison. I know more than most people about herding sheep. And that’s why I won the election in a landslide and it’s why my company is doing very very well. Because He said, “I’m with you, Donald. You will never want". So we were on this green pasture by the still waters and He said, “Lie down.” I said, “Lie down?” He said, “Lie down.” And He made me lie down. Right there in the pasture. So I lie down. People are so surprised that I lie down — “Oh, he’s lying down.” But He’s my shepherd. Great shepherd. Not just good. Great. It was right there that I thought, “This is going to be a tremendous golf course. Terrific greens. Plenty of water. And it is. Everybody who plays it comes away saying, “That is the greatest course in the entire world.” Everybody.

So He was saying to me, Blessed are the deal-makers for theirs is the kingdom. Big time. Blessed are they who scorn: for they shall be comfortable. Blessed is machismo for it wins again and again. Blessed are they who are persecuted by the dishonest press for they shall continue down the paths of righteousness and that’s what is going on here. We are bringing righteousness to Washington for the first time and making incredible progress. I’ve done more in the past month than most presidents do in a year. Washington was without form and void and I issued an executive order, “Let there be light” and did I get credit for it? No, the dishonest press said, “It hurts our eyes.” So I divided the light from the darkness. Day and night. Night and day. I did all this in two nights and a day. Under deadline, under budget. Next week we’re going to do the firmament, the waters, the dry land, start naming beasts, all the rest of it.

I tell you, I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death. The shadow of death. I have to say that. Terrible. Because of the dishonest Midianites, or, as I call them, the media, including a lot of you here in this room, writing stories about chaos. Where’s the chaos? We’ve got light and darkness, day and night. There is no chaos. I know what’s true and the level of dishonesty is unbelievable. The story about the rich man in hell and the beggar Lazarus in heaven — fake news. Totally fake. Rich man wouldn’t give him the crumbs off his table? Not true. Never happened. “What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” He never said it. Same with “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven.” Garbage. Total garbage. I am not a bad person. You don’t get to 306 electoral votes by being a bad person. So I wish you could write something nice but maybe you can’t and that’s OK, too. I can live with that because I fear no evil: for the Lord is with me; and my staff has been a great comfort to me.

Tremendous people. Because I know good from bad. OK? I inherited a mess, the instability, divisiveness, darkness, iniquity, leprosy, madmen, but nonetheless the Lord has prepared a tremendous table before me in the presence of my enemies. Beautiful table. Steaks, seafood, tremendous wines, anything I want, and here I am with goodness and mercy following me every single day of my life, not just mercy but goodness too, and we’re making tremendous progress, great numbers getting bigger every day, multitudes gathering everywhere I go, touching the hem of my garment, but the media is still bitter about Hillary losing in a landslide and the Lord anointing my head with oil which people make fun of and that’s OK, let them laugh at my hair, I got 306 Electoral College votes. They said there’s no way to get 222. No way, Jose. I got 306. That’s what I call the cup running over. Filled the cup and then it ran over. The overflow was tremendous. Huge overflow. Biggest overflow ever. Fantastic. Through the ceiling. Stock market up. Good jobs. You name it. So it looks like I am going to be dwelling in the house of the Lord forever and I’m having a good time. I love this. I am having fun.

John

[snooky]

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.

The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting.

By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?"

[JohnN]

Funny how stories go round and come round! The version when Johnson was President was of southern rednecks towing a negro on water skis. The punchline then was "don't know squat about alligator baiting"!

[robo]

paddy said to Murphy
Murphy will you close your curtains when you make love to your wife
Whys that paddy
Yesterday when you made love to her most of the village were sniggering
The dirty feckers but I will have the last laugh on them all
How's that Murphy
I was away all day yesterday I never got home until midnight

[Geoff]

Standing Bear.jpg (126.72 KiB) Viewed 4498 times

[Stephen]

Regarding sex, men are like firemen, always prepared to drop whatever they are doing and be ready in two minutes.
Women on the other hand are like fire, very exciting and possibly dangerous but needing exactly the right conditions to get going.

[Oakridge]

Two friars are having trouble paying off repairs to the belfry, so they open a florist shop.
Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly b(l)ooming.
The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse.
A month later the florist begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family.
Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert.
Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to ‘persuade’ the friars to close.
Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop.
When they refuse, he threatens to beat them up and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close.
This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[peter]

Went to a comedy evening.

Lady Comic discussing her "Lady Garden"

Its like a Taliban fighter......


Hairy, unkempt, weatherbeaten and unacquainted with sausage!

[Oakridge]

Talking of Taliban fighters:

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need ... Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!

[Oakridge]

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and sex 24.7 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
 
DEAR DESPERATE
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Tooting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!

[alan refail]

mt.jpg (127.9 KiB) Viewed 4434 times

[Ricard with an H]

How embarrassing for the American people.

[Oakridge]

The police were doing a speed check on a country road famous for boy racers. They had been there all day and caught no-one until a young chap on a motorbike came up at high speed. When they stopped him the policeman said 'we have been waiting for you all day'. 'Well I got here as quick as I could' the young lad replied. The police laughed so much they had to let him go.

[snooky]

Husband:
My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not fat.
Sheriff: Colour of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't
know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine
ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up
and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate
controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for
the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch,
sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX
ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power
outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tyres. It has
custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir ,we'll find your truck!!!

[Oakridge]

A poem to which we can relate

I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work, not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn’t need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I’m a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it ... I’m just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone’s ‘duds’.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren’t heard of
And we hadn’t much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown...

If you can remember those days...
Continue to enjoy your Retirement.