Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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tigerburnie
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Two men of some considerable years are chatting at the home of one of them. One says “My wife and I went to an amazing restaurant last night. The meal was delicious, and not too expensive either”.

“What is the name of it”, enquired his friend.

Looking puzzled, he answered by saying –

“Help me now. A red flower”.

A carnation?

“No, that doesn’t help”.

“A poppy?”, was the next suggestion.

“No, it’s red, and has thorns on the stem”.

“A rose”?

That’s it, his friend says. He then walks to the foot of his stairs, and shouts

“Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Been gardening for over 65 years and still learning.
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snooky
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him


The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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Shallot Man
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snooky. Brilliant. :) :)
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snooky
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While I was driving down the M1 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a Copper on the other side of it with a radar gun laying in wait.

The Copper pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic, patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?" to which I replied, "I'm late for work." The Copper asked me what I do for a living to which I replied, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, the three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

My polite reply was "You give it a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding Ticket £105.00

Court Costs £45.00

Look on Copper's face...

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!








h
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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snooky
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I went to my nearby Pharmacy,


I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on
the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue
and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor
and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked,
"Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his
eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a
Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that Chemist , but I really don't care, because they
aren't very friendly there anymore!
Regards snooky

---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
robo
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Murphy was sat on the sofa with his latest lady friend getting to know her really well
The lady friend whispered in Murphy's ear " would you like to take this upstairs " she asked
Murphy jumped to his feet
You get that end and ill take this he replied
robo
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I found an old packet of Viagra last night so I thought waste not want not ,anyway they did not work seems they were past the swell by date
robo
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There I was lying full length in my van
My eyes just peering out above the windscreen
watching her at number 26
I see the front door opening I duck down hoping she has not seen me
I hear her shoes clipcloping down the street
I risk a peak and see her turning the corner at the bottom
I jump into action out of the van I jump over the garden wall
I take refuge behind a large bush
from my vantage point I check nobody has seen me
I make a dart for the front door praying all the while she has not decided to return
I post the note then make a dash for my van ,jump into the drivers seat ,wheels squealing I accelerate away as fast as the van will go I turn the corner and start to breath easier
Another "sorry you weren't in note delivered successfully"
I do like working for the ROYAL MAIL
Monika
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Two from the 'Dalesman' magazine, August 2017:

"It were like this," said John to the police officer. "I were teaching t'wife to drive, and t'brakes failed when we came down Sutton Bank [a very steep hill in the North York Moors]."
"What did you tell her?"
"Don't hit owt expensive!"

An expectant father rang the Leeds General Infirmary to see how his heavily pregnant wife was getting on. By mistake he dialled the number for Headingley Cricket Ground.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before tea. The last one was a duck."
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Shallot Man
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A boy asks his granny,'have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD. Granny replies, Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the Kitchen.
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Shallot Man
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Just a reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in last Year's Riots.... Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
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Shallot Man
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.."Bollocks to that" said Paddy, "That's the last time I go lion dancing.
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Shallot Man
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Sorry another Paddy one.

Paddy says to Mick, "Xmas is on a Friday this year," Mick said, Let,s hope it's not the 13th then.
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peter
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This'll let you swear like Shakespeare, just pick one entry from each column to get your three parter....
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Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.

I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
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Diane
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There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other, except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
'Preserve wildlife - pickle a rat'
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