Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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PLUMPUDDING
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An elderly relative has just been for a chat. She asked if I'd seen lots of workmen at a house up the street. She said the pipe from the drain had burst and their garden was covered in affluence!!!!
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Geoff
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So Stocksbridge is stockbroker belt.
PLUMPUDDING
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Hardly Geoff, when I asked if she meant effluent she said "we'll there was a lot of it" so perhaps they were affluent in effluent.
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Good One PP!
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Monika
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From "The Dalesman" September issue:

Wolds farmer Bill and his son Brian sign up for a sightseeing tour of the East Riding in a small aircraft. As always, Bill barters for the best deal possible.
"Very well, Mr Smith," says the pilot. "I'll tell you what I'll do. If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Brian can have your tickets for free."
"It's a deal," says Bill, firmly shaking the pilot's hand.
So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it's a rough flight, taking off almost vertically, flying under the Humber Bridge, and ending with a loop the loop. Throughout it all, Bill remains silent.
After they land, the pilot turns round to him in disbelief. "Mr Smith, I've been doing this for fifteen years and no-one's ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point during the flight where you wanted to say something?"
"Aye, 'happen there were," Bill admits. "When our Brian fell out."
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snooky
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When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a bit, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Albert getting my daughter Doris pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry. You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Albert."
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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JohnN
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Hillary Clinton rings Donald Trump.
"Yes, Hillary, what can I do for you?"
"Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsberg just died, and I'd very much like to take her place"
"Well, it;s alright with me if it's OK with the funeral home"
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snooky
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Why I love retirement




Q1: How many days in a week?
A: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Q2: When is a retiree's bedtime?
A: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q3: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it might take all day.

Q4: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q5: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q6: Amongst retirees, what is considered formal attire?
A: Tied shoes.

Q7: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.

Q8: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: NUTS!

Q9: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the cellar, loft or garage?
A: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q10: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal ...

Q11: What is the best way to describe Retirement?
A: The never ending Coffee Break.


Q12: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A: If you miss classes, no one calls your parents.

Q13: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Q14: What do you do all week?
A: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY
1. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
2. “How old was your husband?” “98”, she replied...
“Two years older than me”, “So you're 96”, the undertaker commented...
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

3. Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked...
She simply replied, “No peer pressure”.

4. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs, and have fun finding them.

5. I've sure got old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

6. I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

7. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

8. Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

9. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

10. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief”.

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and;
The eyesight to tell the difference.
"When the commode is full, never push it
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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Primrose
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Love it!
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snooky
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The Amazing human body




The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.


Men
are still busy checking their thumbs.
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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snooky
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Michael O'Leary's hotel visit....


Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the lbarman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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JohnN
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Just come back from a holiday where we heard the story of the village of Bere Regis, originally called Bear Regis. Seems some gypsies with two dancing bears arrive in the village, the bears break out, cause havoc and are killed by the locals. The gypsies put a curse on the village, which is still effective to this day. Every child from the village will be born with bare feet!
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Primrose
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Have we seen this one before? This thread is so long now I can,t remember so apologies if I,m repeating it.

These glorious insults are from an era “before” the English language boiled down to 4-letter words.


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress"

"He had delusions of adequacy ."
-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily"
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
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snooky
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Grandmas don't know everything!




Jack was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’

‘Oh,’ Little Jack said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.
It's called Bunk Beds. And Callum's mum wants a word with you!'
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
robo
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A guy was walking past a house in the garden was a sign
For sale one talking dog
The guy could not help himself
He knocked on the front door and said I'm interested in the talking dog
It's in the rear garden the owner said
Just go round the back and see him for yourself
The guy walked round the back and was met by a black Labrador
Can you really talk asked the guy
Off course I can said the dog
Well tell me a bit about yourself
When I was a pup I found I could talk
I wanted to help society so I join the SAS
I went everywhere I was a spy dog
I would attend meetings and listen to what was being said nobody thought a dog could talk
I got fed up with flying I was never in one place long enough
When my time was up I joined the border security
I used to hand around passport control I cracked a lot of smuggling rings
Everybody trusts a dog they say all sorts of things in front of me
When I left the border security I decided it was time to retire
I settled down had a few pups and here I am
The guy went straight to the owner how much do you want for him he asked
£10 the owner said
The guy was flabbergasted you only want £10 for an intelligent dog like him
He's a bloody liar the owner said
He's never been out of this yard
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