Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

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JohnN
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Why are atoms the source of all fake news? Because they make up everything!
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snooky
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Take care when you talk to yourself:
As you get older you may find the conversations stop making sense.
Worse:
If they develop into an argument, you may even start to lose!
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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Primrose
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have we had this one before? Sorry, can’t remember.

THE RULES

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear 'the rules from the female side

>
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

>
1. Men are NOT mind readers

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Primrose
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We don't seem to have had any for ages. Here's a mini distraction for those of you are not glued to the TV 24/7 with World Cup Football !

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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snooky
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image.jpeg
image.jpeg (105.81 KiB) Viewed 5646 times
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
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Primrose
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Thanks for re-triggering these. We don't see"m to have had any funnies for ages. Maybe the prolonged heat wave is starting to get us all down ! I've had to postpone my local Plant up a Pothole" competition because of the water shortage !
Westi
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Awe Snooky! Poor piglet - but they say it is always bacon that drags people back from a vegetarian or vegan attempt at a healthier lifestyle! :) :)
Westi
Stephen
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As a life-long vegetarian I shouldn't find that funny (but, sadly, it is very funny).
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Stephen
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Has this been posted before?

Human Resources Briefing
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch. TRY SAYING: She's an ambitious manager.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: No f____ing way. TRY SAYING: I don’t think that’s feasible.

INSTEAD OF: Boll*cks! TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with….

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem. TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: So? TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: This cr__ won't work. TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this is functional

INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: He's an ignorant f___er. TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF: F___ O__ and die. TRY SAYING: I doubt it.

INSTEAD OF: And? TRY SAYING: I’m sorry you weren't happy with it.

INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary. TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. TRY SAYING: I don’t think that is within my remit.

INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. TRY SAYING: I love a challenge!

INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: He's a f____ing pr_ck. TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

Thank You,

Human Resources
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
robo
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Steven if we all spoke like that we would all sound like M.P s
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Primrose
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Can't remember if we've had this one before:

1. In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
2. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy CremeDonuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
3. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
4. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side . And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
5. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
6. God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
7. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds .
8. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
9. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
10. Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System. Amen
tigerburnie
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I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today.
I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out.
She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, 'A folding bottle.'
She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'
'A fottle.'
'What else do you have there?'
'A folding carton.'
'OK, what do you call it?'
'A farton.'
She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'
I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...
Been gardening for over 65 years and still learning.
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snooky
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Husband store opens in Manchester



A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love bikes,love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Regards snooky

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A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
tigerburnie
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An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Been gardening for over 65 years and still learning.
PLUMPUDDING
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I saw two stickers on the back of a car this afternoon:-

"No baby on board - Durex" and "There are no biscuits left over night in this car"
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